|[!]| Patheticly Insane |[!]|

2009-12-24T22:33:00.002+08:00

Like finally, i got to get my ample rest after working non-stop.
Celebrating grandma's birthday tomorrow, can't wait.
And hopefully my ankle will heal faster!
(:

And many has asked me bout my countdown plans.
I seriously have no idea, maybe im working?
That aside, im surprised at how time flies.
It feels like only yesterday that i was so anxious bout 2009.
And now 2010 is just a few weeks away, ahhhh.

2009 has been a hell of a year for me.
I cried the hardest, did the most stupid stuffs, lost many loved ones.
I hate 2009, its a life changing experience for me.
I became distant with close ones.
I did stupid stuffs, unforgivable and irreversible.
I slacked too much for my Olevels and i regret it deeply.
I did things i never thought i did and i changed tremendously.
I lost the guy(ex-boyfriend) whom im with for 4years plus,
it was the hardest blow for me.
I had to struggled to move on, crying buckets of tears every single night.
Guys after guys, i've hurt countless of hearts just to move on from him.
I've been a bitch, a heartless bitch in 2009 and im remorseful.
Too many obstacles, challenges, regrets and tears.
Im really hoping that 2010 will be a better year for me.
Insya-allah.

But 2009 has a positive impact on me coz i met love.
I never thought that i could move on from exboyfriend.
But love made it possible, eventhough i hurt him time & again.
I lied to him, shouted at him, cursed him, hurt him & neglect him.
But he was patient, he accept me for who i am, flaws and all.
I never could imagine myself moving on from my exboyfriend.
But love make it possible, and im more that glad that i met love.
Though we had several arguments, fights and conflicts,
We still made it through it all, i love you mohd firdouse.
Happy Monthsary, <3

p/s: I don't wanna do 3D!!!
PHOBIA LIKE HELL ALREADY!
Pretty please? * innocent face *
Hehehe.

2009-12-20T20:28:00.003+08:00

Work was a bitch yesterday.
Only two word to describe it.
BORING & FRUSTRATING.

Oh and i scrap my work shoes,
Just because i got bullied and i ran like hell.
Tripped and fell like nangka busuk,
Sad story.
:(

p/s: this is getting nowhere;

2009-12-19T16:43:00.002+08:00

I should be getting ready to go out.
But im still in front of the computer screen.
Im dead tired and still am sleepy.
:(

But thinking of working later makes me energized.
Working life is fun nowadays, got along well.
The only i don't like, is the rumors and gossips.
Stand of procedure, close with one guy= something on.
Tsk, seriously very the merepek meraban.
I joke, laugh, tease and talk to the guys at level 6.
So, if people don't like it and tends to think otherwise.
Then that's THEIR problem already, not MINE.

Ahh, my stomach's grumbling already,
I need to consume something after im done bathing.
Or i'll be complaining to everyone that im weak due to hunger.
Hehe.

p/s: guys will always be guys;
they are more or less the same.
W.H.A.T.E.V.E.R okay.

2009-12-17T16:25:00.003+08:00

Its already 4.30pm and i should be out of the house.
But i still have the time to update, hehe.
My eyebags are getting from bad to worst.
The result of working everyday till late night.
But im getting the hang of it, im starting to love work.
Level 6 people are great, awesome bunch of people.
(:

Met love two days back, got to spend time with him.
I miss you jumpy baby! I know you miss me too, haha!
Gonna meet love tomorrow since im working the night shift.
Yay!
<3

Last but not least,
My mouth is under maintenance.
Sore gums on the left side, ulcer on the right side
and wounded upper mouth.
How eh like that? Haiz. :(

p/s: no matter what people say,
i'd rather trust you instead;

2009-12-10T13:32:00.004+08:00

Yesterday's work was tiring yet enjoyable.
I walk alot, talk alot, laugh alot, eat alot.
Oh and while i was busy talking with the people at work.
I saw familiar faces and was utterly shocked.
Who else if its not Aidil, Apic & Hazli.
Went to them, chit-chat and coincidentally its already 8pm.
So i end my shift, went to changed and tag along with them.
Had dinner/supper and chill with them for awhile.
Afterwhich, i headed back home around 10.
(:

Its already 2.15pm and im still with my "just woke up" face.
Gonna shower soon and have my breakfast/lunch= brunch.
I swear my feets are killing me right now.
Oh and im having flu, sore throat & ulcer too.
:(

Okay i need to tidy up my room.
Such a mess, hehe.

p/s: caught between the thin line.

2009-12-07T22:31:00.004+08:00

A quick update before i hot my bed.
My toes a are sore, my feet is killing me.
Imagine standing and walking around in high heels for hours.
I need to buy flats soon, most probably by tomorrow?
Haha.

First day of work was better than expected.
I had alot of laughter and i enjoyed my work today.
Got along well with the people there plus i already know a few.
It was fun except for my crazy stomach cramp which is such an idiot!
I just had to grit my teeth and endure the pain for hours.
Couldn't bring my phone along, and couldn't text love.
The disadvantage, haiz.

Oh and and while i was busy entertaining people,
A familiar face and that unmistakable smile caught the side of my eyes.
I look up and true enough, it was that shrimp boy lah, hahah!
None other than; Muhd Hazli.
He was with his brother and both their gfs.
Exchanged smiles and a few casual talk which i didn't pay
too much attention to cos it was crowded AND awkward for me.
Its been like one year since i last saw him?
He looks more like a thailand guy now.
That's due to too much of being at thailand, hahaha!
(:

Oh and hopefully i could get to meet love tomorrow.
Three days of not meeting, i miss him so much already.
Pity him for tolerating my moodswings and crankiness these few days.
No matter what, i still love you mohd firdouse.

p/s: my stomach is killing me
:'(

2009-12-05T23:23:00.002+08:00

My fingers were itching to update this blog.
But when i start to sign into blogger, my mind went blank.
So i'll just type whatever's on my mind.
Just bear with me, hehe.

Next week is a chore.
Hopefully it won't be that bad.
I already miss love so much now.
I make it sound like im migrating sia, haha.
When he stay just a few mins bus ride from my place.
Well, that depends on the bus that is freaking late.
HAHA!

Sis ask me to tagged along with her friends.
Bowling and Sheesha, but i declined.
Firstly, im broke. (eventhough i know she will end up pay for me, hehe)
Secondly, it was raining cats & dogs.
Thirdly, i was having a freaking stomach cramp.
End up? I fall asleep at my comfortable living room sofa.
Hahahaha, but the pain is still poking my stomach, stupid girl periods.
Luckily i have love to crank me up with his 101 random reactions.
CRAZY BOY! (:

Okay my mind's totally blank now,
I wanna talk to love on the phone.
I miss him so the very super duper much.
Even though we just met yesterday.
Hehe.

p/s: you know i love you.
<3

Mohd Firdouse;

2009-12-01T00:16:00.001+08:00

2009-11-30T22:45:00.002+08:00

Today was a tiring day for me.
Went for the job interview and i got it.
I was smiling widely okay!
At last, i got myself a job.
Yay!

After which, me and sis went to buy some stuffs.
I bought accessories and a top for myself.
Sis bought a top for herself and for her boyfriend.
I bought my usual cinnamon sugar pretzel and off home.
(:

And im going to be busy starting from next week onwards.
Couldn't spend time as much as i always do with love.
Oh and maybe still going to find retail job with SL.
See how it goes, SL has yet to quit her job.
TSK!

p/s: Every time i try to leave,
something keeps pulling me back.

2009-11-28T16:55:00.006+08:00

I guess everything happens for a reason.
Im glad i didn't go to sentosa today,
It's raining cats and dogs right now.
If i were to go to sentosa,
I'll be enjoying the RAIN water instead.
TSK!

Woke up at 9am plus accompanied mum to POSB.
Settled my account then went to the market.
I am a good girl today, i cancell all my plans and stayed home.
And im glad i stayed home coz mum ended up alone at home.
Step dad went out with step grandma and his friends,
Elder sis is working full shift while Lil sis is more of a chore.
So yeah, im very super glad i stayed home today!
(:

Oh and finally i decided to just go for a job interview.
I've been searching for retail jobs, but its all in vain.
Its either not taking in any more people or they're only looking for Full time.
So i'll just try out this job interview and hopefully, i'll get the job.
Hehe.

And finally, love has returned to Singapore!
But he rather play his psp then to msg me.
Pantat betol! Hmph!
He didn't even text me when he reached Singapore.
Reason? He wants to surprise me.
How would i know that he has reached spore just by giving me miss calls?
I thought he accidentally pressed it, so i just ignore.
Hahahahaha!

And i feel like eating, AGAIN!
I've been feeling hungry and famished nowadays.
And i've been needing the toilet more often than i used to.
The burning sensation is still there, haiz.
I really need to consult a doctor soon.
:(

Before i end my post, i would like to say something.
No matter how nice i am, how friendly i am and how sincere i may be,
I have my limits and i have a conscience as to what i am doing.
I will not do stuffs that's beyond my limits and i don't want to be guilt ridden.
I won't leave my boyfriend and i won't do stupid stuffs behind his back anymore.
Reason? Because he has not done anything bad towards me.
Even if i treat anyone else as great and as wonderful as i treat him,
I know deep down that i love ONLY him and no other.
Im sorry to hurt any feelings but im just being frank and upfront.
My boyfriend made me realize my bad habits and attitude and slowly changed it.
I never once would think of other people's feelings, im egoistic & selfish,
But he changed it all, im trying to atone for my mistakes one by one.

My boyfriend may not lavish me with gifts like few of my exs does.
My boyfriend may not be the most good looking guy compared to me exs.
My boyfriend may have a temper that is ferocious but he is changing too.
My boyfriend may not bring me out on dates as much as my other exs do.
But my boyfriend tries his best to spend all his free time with me,
And that sincerity is what i appreciate the most.
I love my boyfriend no matter what other people may say.
Never judge a book by its cover, i love you Mohd Firdouse!
<3

p/s: you can't expect someone to be committed in a short period of time.

2009-11-25T12:09:00.005+08:00

I had alot to update today.
But then, the moment i sign into my blogger account,
My mind went blank, like totally blank, hehe.

First of all, im still in the process of job-hunting.
Its either the job is too far away or its not suitable for me.
Wanted to take up the sentosa job fariz offered me.
But then its like, F&B job and im not cut up for the job.
Knowing how clumsy and careless i can be. so yeah.
But i need to get a job real soon, i spend my money like nobody's business.
And alot of outings are coming up, wahhh!
:((

Secondly, my holidays has just begun.
I've been slacking at home coz i've been falling sick on and off lately.
But outings has arise so i have to make myself available for dear friends.
Going out for a movie treat with that SHARIFAH KHAIRUNNISA, haha.
And she's being a darling to fetch me from under my block, i guess.
Awwww, i know im such a bitch when it comes to getting ready.
But i'll try to be on time later, at least tak paitao okay!
HAHA!

Thirdly, let's go back to the topic where i've been falling sick on and off.
I've been experiencing back pains and stomach cramps on off.
Plus frequent headaches, flu and also abdomen pain!
Which is really eating me up right now, and i can't walk straight for long.
I need the toilet every now and then and the burning sensation is depriving.
Everyone's urging me to have a visit to the doctor but i declined.
I just don't want to end up having bitter tasting medicines & humongous pills to consume.
Oh and also the illness the doctor will prescribed me with, expect the unexpected.
Okay im being totally pessimistic here but its regarding health issue, no joke!
* frowning *

Fourthly, i found out that dearest exbf burnt the stuffs that i gave him last time.
I felt a pang of hurt because it was a gift that i made with my own hardwork.
I sacrificed my sleep and also i did it with my utmost sincerity, thanks eh.
Oh well, i still have his piece or work that he gave me in 2005 & 2008.
And his passport size photo in my drawer plus his Sec3 Camp t-shirt.
It does not prove that i still miss him or whatsoever,
It just goes to show that im much more of a appreciative kind of person.
Its just worthless pieces of junk but i still keep it for old times sake mister.
(:

Fifth, i miss secondary school!
Okay random much i know,
I will miss Queenstown secondary alot.
Nothing can compare to my indescribably bittersweet memories there.
I used to be a shy, quiet and "anggek" girl the first time i stepped into the school.
But it has nurtured me and opened up many greatest experiences for me.
At times i do stray but im glad i didn't went overboard.

I'll miss my favourite teacher whom is also my source of inspiration.
I never respected and love any other teacher except for her.
She is my pillar of strength and she gave me my boost of confidence.
I'll miss Cikgu Rosza, and i utterly regret disappointing her time & again.
:(

Sixth,
Mum's been fairly nice to me nowadays.
Instead of bickering non-stop like we always do,
We tend to come to a conclusion and end up talking smoothly.
But yet, she's still pestering for me to get a job instead of rotting at home.
But kan, i very the malas and very the cerewet, den how?
Hahahah, okay stop it suzie, i sound so the meluat la.
TSK!

Last but not least,
I did something super random.
I look at my past testimonial at friendster.
( okay i know, who the hell use friendster now anyway? "
But the testimonials from dearest loved ones brings a smile to my face.
Some are from friends whom made a difference in my life.
I'll post up some of it down, hehehe.

hweekwan

10/15/2008 9:45 pm

DARLING!!
ii miss you damn much!
haha=DD
hope can see you soon!
*loves, muackx!

-IrAhYuNa ll-

07/03/2008 2:42 pm

When i think, nothing in this world matters to me..
YOU mean the world to me..

I am glad that even though every thing has not been great lately, i have someone to be there..

Someone who make breakfast for me..
Someone who wait for my return from work..
Someone who will sleep with me when im down..
Someone who listen to all my ups and downs..
Someone who understand and know what i want exactly..
Someone who tolerate me being pampered..*winkz*

We had a bad start, but a good ending:)
Now im gonna say this,
"YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING!!!"

I Love you Dik

IzaL
11/10/2008 1:59 am

Ur sweet la dear..ur my lifetime supply of sugar,condensed milk and sweets..im happy to have you as a sister,no i can pretty much safely say that no other "cuties" out there can make me happier then my very own cutie pie suzie does..=)
Nvr doubt me,coz i'll nvr doubt you..love u much,we mit up n have fun k? =D

ȥᴬῘ ᴄᴱᶫᴏᴾ gt it
02/06/2008 1:42 am

Hi!
How's SuZie? Is she fine? Is she ok?
Is she eatin weLL? Is she gonna be fine? Is she havin tr0ubLe wif skuL? Is she gonna be ok in skuL? Doez she like skuL? Doez she hate to go skuL? Doez her teacher pressure her?? WiLL she be fine?? Is she up to her crazinez again?? Doez she n0e dat she's cute? Doez she n0e she's amazing?? Doez she n0e she's soo,soo,soo......soo *sUmTin* dat w0rdz cnt describe..??? Doez she n0e dat,she is realli cute?? Doez she noe dat her cHeEkz are like fLuff baLLz dat makez me soo0 wanna give it a smo0cH?? WiLL she leT me??? WiLL she let me take her out to catch a m0vie??

D0ez she noe dat she makez me g0 crazy??

Zai
; }

MrS CloWn
06/06/2007 7:21 pm

Hey sis finally i drop u a testi...

She hve been my best friend for 1 year plus...
She is the most preety,kind,caring,lovely frienz....
she is gud listerner and hve swit pesonality...
But wen she got mad is realli veri scary...
wen u get to noe her more better u wil find tat she is veri special person...

Hey sis do tke cre of urself n wish u all the best in evetin u do...
Do share wif me if u hve ani problem...

LOVE YAYA
05/10/2007 12:21 am

hey
did u know that i alwaes thk god
to have a fren like you. .
you are alwaes there when i need help
and i appreaciate to have such a fren
not just a fren
ma bestest fren FoREVER AND EVER!
SITI+SUZILAR SISTER LURP FOREVER

Stereotyped
09/04/2008 3:23 pm

Nah, its okay. I understand.

Anyway, good luck for your N levels! :)

And yeah. let me know when your coming down to tanglin. :D And yes! For a whole week! :)

Take care sweets, see you real soon!

☆yAsMiiN☆
09/01/2008 3:36 pm

Omg !! Dat is so sweet of u suzie !!

I love & miss u too darlz !!

=))

Jerome
03/20/2007 10:49 pm

My promise is kept. Alright let me begin,

suzie's kinda up and down girl, shes got the brat attitude in her and a pride which she wields on with great importance to her, on the other hand i have to admit she is one of the sweetest girl ard you can't really expect anything more, consoling you when you need it and giving advices.
I take great honour to know you as your friend and to be on talking terms with you. We've got our differences but that really isn't a boulder we can't move.In life we give and take and sometimes you give i take and vice versa. Honestly thanks for the things you've done and said. Its been a pleasure.

Black Mariah
01/04/2007 5:53 pm

Hello Suzie !

Dah lamer tak jumpa but we still keep in touch rite ? .. Kawan ngan Suzie sejak umur 7 tahun lagi .. Giler2 ah kat sekolah time tu .. Suka sangat buat org ketawa (sampai nangis kadang2) ...

Suzie , if you have any problems or need any listening ear from anyone , u can share it with me if you want .. what friends are for rite ? I still cherish our friendship to this very day .. Keep holding on ok ? .. Be patient .. There're always obstacles in life and life is never easy to live ..

xoxo,
Nurain

Samantha
10/13/2005 5:36 pm

SUZIE !! *screams*

thanks fer the testy .
appreciate it very much .. (( :

thanks fer listening to my probs .
thanks fer sharing ur probs with me .
thanks fer giving me advices .
A MILLION THANKS TO SUZIE ~

dun thnk too much bout him too .
not too good fer health .

TAKE-CARE.
__SAMANTHA *
<33>

And i fell upon someone's testimonial.
And i know she's going to read my blog.
So here it is:

Ade
05/25/2008 10:35 pm

* Love is when you shed a tear and still want her, it's when she ignores you and you still love her, it's when she loves another but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry.

I love you :)

Adelina Gomez, im thankful that you hold onto me for four solid years.
I hurt you so deeply, i cursed you, i put u down so bad.
You said that's love, but indeed you have yet to realise that this is NOT love.
Love is never there is you're clapping on one hand.
I have my share of getting hurt and hurting others.
But i know i've hurt you the most, and therefore, im truly sorry.
For an egoist person like me to apologize, im truly sincere.
Be happy & may we meet again someday.
Lotsa love, xoxo.
((:

Okay i wanna get ready for my movie treat out.
Or else someone will start nagging at me.
Hahaha!!

p/s: im not the least amused by your treatment.

2009-11-24T16:09:00.003+08:00

Firstly, i would like to say.
Happy 3rd months being with you love.
Our relationship started out bitter and harsh.
But it has develop to something so sweet and fine.
I can't wait to watch New Moon with you!!
(:

Oh and to those whose going to prom tonight,
Have fun! Tell me all about it after prom.
I don't think i will regret not going,
Coz i know it won't be what i imagined it would be.
The people i want to celebrate graduation with won't be there.
As all my gerek people has already graduated, sob sob.
I miss Fariz Fariqzal's clan and Haleeza's clan the most!!
:(

Okay my mind's completely blank already.
BYE!

p/s: Can't wait for sentosa and outing with dearest bro!
<3

2009-11-16T20:54:00.002+08:00

I miss this moment, when SL used to be part of my family.
I miss Siti, as well as many more dearest people in my life.
Been spending all my free time with love, and i still miss him.
Hahaha.
(:

p/s: im so over your boyfriend, please & thank you.
don't publicized things that's just your assumptions.
4 years, im over & done with it, just useless junk in my memory.

2009-11-08T00:23:00.006+08:00

p/s: photos uploaded!
(:

2009-11-03T14:53:00.003+08:00

I've slacked too much, I've played too much.
All my O's paper were screwed, so much for aiming for poly.
I did revised and buck up and cracked my brains for CH, MATHS & EL.
But guess what? I screwed up SS real bad due to insufficient amount of time!
Ahhh! I swear im going to re-take my Os next year using my own money.
Im going to re-try till im satisfied with my results,
I know darn well mum's going to be utterly disappointed.
:(

Skipped the unhappy part, its already over and done with.
Yesterday love fetched me from lakeside and he was upset with me.
Coz i've lost drastic weight, he said he could even feel my bones now.
Even when he held me hands, he was shocked that i was so super thin.
But all i can do was to flash him my innocent smile while he continues to nag.
Haha.

But honestly, im shocked myself.
I didn't realised it till sis and love commented on my weight.
No wonder my school uniform seems to enlarge nowadays, i shrunk alot.
Its not that i don't wanna eat, its just that i don't FEEL like eating.
This is the SECOND time i experienced this problem,
The first time was a very hurtful process so i better not talk about it.
But despite losing drastic amount of weight and my attitude problem,
Love say he still love me, hahaha, macam faham tu budak.
(:

Okay i wanna go cook now.
And i have to force myself to eat later.
If not, sis, mum and love will nag at me.
:(

p/s: i feel so cold, brrr.

2009-10-30T22:01:00.003+08:00

Chemistry remedial was productive.
Despite leaving earlier than the rest in between the lessons.
Revised two chapters of SS, two more chapters to go.
(:

Anway, i'll try my utmost best not to update unhappy posts here.
Since i already have a private blog to vent my anger and unhappiness.
Oh and im praying hard that stepdad won't be working overtime tomorrow.
Coz i really really really wanna go to the screamfeast tomorrow!
Despite me being so afraid of the dark and being faint hearted.
Hahaha.

Well, the main idea of going is to spend time with mum.
Since things are not so good between us and we don't usually get along well.
So this is a good chance to at least spend time with her.
I really hope tomorrow's plan will be ON!
Not forgetting Sunday's outing out with mum, elder sis and lil sis.
(:

p/s: please don't EVER mention his name ever again, it irks me.

2009-10-29T13:30:00.005+08:00

Just a quick update before i start revising my SS.

Maths Paper 2 was a killer! I can already predict my grade.

And its obviously not gonna be a good one, tsk.

And love talked to me about O's last night.

Its easier for him to get low points cos he got an A1 for Malay!

Ahh! He makes it sound so achievable, im ashamed of my B4!!

Its okay, i still can buck up on the remaining ones.

Which is F&N and Combined Humans,

Science? There's no way im gonna make it.

It already too late, like what love said.

I swear im gonna re-take my Os next year if my results sucks.

There's NO WAY im going to step into ITE!

Im not saying that ITE is a bad path or anything.

But i know im someone whose easily influenced,

So im just saving myself from all the trouble.

But if there's no other way out, then ITE is my last resort.

At least i can meet up with long lost friends there, hehe.

I had a dream last night,

It was a complete nightmare.

I woke up, drenched in tears.

My heart beating profusely as i wipe my tears away.

My vision was blurred with tears as i grouped for my spectacles.

I sat all alone on my bed, i recite a prayer, and praying hard it won't come true.

I won't elaborate on my dream, it would make my heart ache again.

But i did update it at my private blog,

Okay im done talking craps, off to do my revision.

p/s: i sense something amiss nowadays.

2009-10-24T22:30:00.002+08:00

We started out with a very rough start.
We hurdle through the obstacles and made it through.
Happy two months baby, i love you despite everything.
Im looking forward to many more months with you.
And thanks for accepting me for who i am, flaws and all.
<3

I had a super fun time with love yesterday.
Despite being drenched wet playing the water playground.
I enjoyed every single minute of it, with lil sis & beloved love.
Oh plus my sister and her bf, which i enjoyed their randomness too.
And mum saw love yesterday and she didn't comment on anything.
Phew!

Anyway, its just gonna be a short post.
& i love my boyfriend(:

p/s: seriously, ever heard of ORIGINALITY?!

2009-10-22T09:10:00.004+08:00

Just a short post before i get ready for school.

Baby was being super duper terribly sweet today.

I woke baby up as usual this morning and told him i got no calculator.

Then he told me his going to send me his calculator under my block.

How sweet can he get? He rushed to get ready since he need to travel by bus to my place.

Told mum im going down to meet him and get my calculator.

After i get the calculator, send him to the bus stop and went home.

I love my super small and short and super sweet boyfriend of mine so much!

Hopefully tomorrow's plan will be ON!

Going to IMM's playground with sis&bf, lil sis and me&bf.

That is AFTER im done with revising and studying,

Coz he will surely nag like hell if he knows im slacking!

Okay im off to bath and to school.

Hopefully my hair won't get burnt again for Chemistry's practical.

And i won't get electric shock IF the question is on circuits for Physic's practical.
I know, im dumb and very careless, heheh.

OKAY IM DONE!

p/s: maths is still such a hindrance!!

2009-10-19T11:13:00.005+08:00

Finally, i have the urge to update a short entry.
Going studying later, obviously brushing up on my maths!
Its all Maths, English and Combined Humans these few days.
I've yet to touch on Science and F&N, yes, screw me.
As long as i get a pass for my Maths, English and CH, im contented.
(:

Tomorrow's Graduation Day, it finally marks the end of Secondary Sch life!
I should be elated and relief but im not.
FIVE years in Queenstown secondary, it brings back alot of fond memories.
The path after secondary school life would be very tough, and independent.
Yes, there's still Olevels to look forward too, but its just a few hours in school.
No longer the usually daily routine im so used to.
The friends i made there, the troubles i got into, the bittersweet moments.
Ahh, i'll miss secondary school life, but most of all, i'll miss the people there.
:(

Last but not least, i syg this boy of mine.
I made him angry, sad, happy, furious but he still stick by me.
Im amazed that i could make him change for the better,
Which is a plus point for me, cos im happy with the new him.
I can't go a day w/o texting him and the phone call every late night.
He accepts me for who i am, and appreciate me for who i am.
The things that i hate bout myself, he learned to accept it and adore it.

He knew bout the shits i did, stupid stuffs i did and unforgivable sins i did.

He was surprised, shocked and upset but he still accept me despite it all.
And i can hereby say that he managed to make me move on from my past.
My past which i've been holding onto for almost 4years,
Something which no one can ever managed to do so all these years.
Thank you so much baby, and also thank you for teaching my maths.
My maths improved all thanks to Darling HK's help and Baby's help.
I love both of them many2!
(:

BTW, won't be updating after this post,
wait till after O's, more updates coming up after O's.

p/s: this song, our song.
<3

2009-10-02T22:51:00.002+08:00

I won't be updating here for a long period of time.
In fact, i've just created a new site to blog.
I don't wish my collections of thoughts to be judged.
Happy searching, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

(:

2009-08-24T13:50:00.006+08:00

I didn't attend school today,
Probably because i overslept.
And im having stomach cramps.
Great, another reason for me to be cranky.

Anyway, i guess this phase means something.
" sometimes good things fall apart
so that better things could fall in "
I really believe that everything happens for a reason.
One way or another, i have to accept it all gracefully.
No amount of tears could change reality, not even bloodshed tears.
So i just i've come to the point where i will let it all go.
I'll follow with the flow no matter what's the consequences.

Tomorrow's English Olevel Oral, i hope its going to turn out fine.
Im not being pessimistic here but hey, i didn't even prepare a thing!
I guess im all wrapped up in my own world that i don't even think of my priority.
So much for " i have to sort out my priorities & i am going to concentrate ".
Im too easily distracted for my own good, yes kick me in the ass for that, tsk.
Let me just share something, prelims is next week, and what have i done?
Let me see.. remedial, extra classes all accumulates to nothing!
Zero, Zip, Zilch, my brain neurons are decreasing by the seconds.
BUCK UP NORSUZILAH! (:

Its fasting month now and i've yet to fast.
Not willingly though, girl's problem, hmph.
I just called mum and told her im sleeping over opah's place.
She sounded upset coz she wanted me to just stay put here.
How can i when my blood's boiling every sec??
Its getting on my nerve and its driving me to my grave.
Friends, Family, Studies, Personal life, its all making me drained out.
Im trying to be strong and face it one at a time but i just can't.
Sometimes i feel like im an orphan, yes i really do.
:'(

On a brighter note, im glad im gonna escape misery.
I won't be using internet access except for weekends.
I'll be at opah's place, and very blissful staying near darling HK.
Im all hyper and over excited by the thought of being close with dear friends.
I love you Ho Hwee Kwan! You're my laughing pill and my pillar of strength.
Ang Tracy is my pillar of motivation, always motivates me to study.
Drama queen Pervin is always there to light up a smile on my face.
They ARE my happiness, and they are all that i ever need.
<3

Oh and i have successfully finish reading BOTH eclipse and breaking dawn!
In TWO WEEKS! Yay!! Finally, that was my aim, to finish reading all four book.
For the fifth book, im still searching for it, heheheh.
Im a happy girl coz at least i did something i've been wanting to do.
Yes i am a bookworm, give me a thick and interesting book and i'll love you to death!
Hehehe, (:

p/s: god won't give us challenges that is beyond out tolerance.

2009-08-23T16:32:00.003+08:00

I know i look so haggard, worn out and very thin in this pic.
Maybe because it was 12am in the morning,
Or maybe its because of the bad appetite i've been having.
(:

I don't have anything else to say.
My mind's in a huge mess right now.
I've cried buckets full of water.
No matter what, i know my friends would be there for me.
<3

"Sometimes it’s hard to say no when you really mean yes,
it’s hard to close your eyes when you really want to see,
it’s hard to forget when you really can’t and
the hardest is to go when you really want to stay."

p/s: im gonna have to learn to be fiercely independent.
i must not let a single soul bring me down so easily.
i guess its better to stand tall on my own, me, myself & i.
im MENTALLY drained already, so GO AWAY!!
:(

2009-08-23T16:01:00.000+08:00

2009-08-22T00:46:00.003+08:00

Truth to be told, its never easy to move forward.
Truth to be told, im such a weak and fragile girl.
I put up a strong and bitchy front and hurt countless of people,
When all they did was to love me for who i am, unconditionally.
I could tolerate crude remarks and curses with a strong upfront.
But just by a simple text msg by a person from the past,
It got me sobbing and drenched in buckets full of tears.
Why?

p/s: i won't ruin my present/future for someone who ruined my past,
i believe that karma's a bitch and once bitten twice shy.
but why do i even bother?
Waduhhh!

2009-08-22T00:05:00.003+08:00

I tried to stay firm and strong.
I broke down in front of Cikgu.
I felt so bad, i disappoint her again&again.
I cried and hug her, i said "i love you" and hug her tight.
I can never ever forget her facial expression and her words.
I love her so much, the respect i have for her is beyond words.
<3

These few days alot of things has been happening.
The fights, confusion, conflicts, frustration, everything.
Plus the fact that im sitting for my oral next tuesday!
Im super nervous, i can't screw my english!
:(

And to the "anonymous" who used MY name to text someone,
if i find out whose behind this and who the flying fuck used my name,
i would screw you so damn bad you would be kneeling on two knees.
i hate people using my name and me getting accused despite me being clueless.
so to whoever it may concern, please don't interfere into my life, i hate it.

Last but not least, i need to go to sleep now.
I've not been having sufficient sleep nowadays.
Been ending school very late and reaching home super late.
I don't even have time to finish reading my New Moon,
And now im yawning away like nobody's business.

Oh and did i mention that i scrapped my knees?
Another addition to my bruises and scars.
How i wish i could walk straight without tripping just for ONE DAY.
Even by dribbling a ball or just walking along the corridor,
i can fall flat on the floor, tsk. yes, thats how CLUMSY i am.
Gravity disike me i guess.
*frowns*

I was browsing through this blog, i saw their photo.
Then suddenly my hp vibrates with an unknown no.
I read the text msg, my heart ache so damn bad.
Get a grip suzie!! You're a strong girl!!
WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS APPEAR AT SUCH COINCIDENTAL TIMING?!
Even if its just to wish me a happy fasting, you know how it would affect me.
I don't want to hear from you anymore, i don't want to feel like this.
I don't want to end up crying buckets of tears like i always do,
:'(

Okay my eyes are shutting down anytime soon.
My mind's functioning really slow as well.
Good night, sweetest dreams.
Happy Fasting to the muslims!!
(:

p/s: i don't need anyone significant to be by my side,
i just need my friends and i'll be just fine, for now.

2009-08-19T19:57:00.005+08:00

Let me be the bad one.
Let me be the one hurting.
Let me be the heartbreaker.
Im sorry i ruined you birthday,
I can't seem to shower people with happiness.
I don't know why im breaking down now,
I can't seem to do anything right for once,
*sob*

I've gotten my Malay Olevel results just now.
My heart literally dropped, the look of disappointment of cikgu's face.
I can never forget it, i disappoint her over & over again.
Screw it, i can't and i won't disappoint her anymore.
I will put EVERYTHING & EVERYONE aside
to concentrate on more important stuffs now.
Like my education and my great friends
whose always by my side, iloveyougirls
<3

And excuse me miss, the battle has only just begun,
wipe that smirk off your face, its just sheer luck on your side.
Im not a sore loser, i'll pick myself up after this terrible fall.
The tears i shed are not tears of weakness, but tears of frustration.
I will be better than you, i will be a taurus for once, just like you.
The battle is just beginning, and i don't predict any happy ending.
* smirks*

Im off to read the New Moon book and do some revisions.
Afterwhich i will go and watch my chinese show, then do my CH.
I won't be entertaining any text msgs or calls till im done with everything.
Probably be burning midnight oil again today, *yawns*

p/s: i need sweet stuffs,
i need a break.

2009-08-18T01:52:00.004+08:00

Its approximately 2am in the morning.
Im still awake, wide awake in fact.
I can't seem to sleep, my mind's filled with things.
I want to do my schoolwork, but my brain neuron's not organized.
My body's feeling weak, stomach cramp, loss of blood & giddy spells.
I won't get to fulfill the first day of fasting, what a bummer.
:(

Happy Birthday Bels.
I don't have much to say,
I don't even know what to say.
I don't have time to get you a gift.
So i'll just owe you a birthday gift okay?
<3

Time check: 2.15am
My eyes are dropping but im not sleepy.
I mean, i don't feel like sleeping lah dengs.
My hands are itching for a cigg.
Its been forever since i last had one.
All due to my frequent chestpain.
TSK!

p/s: its when im not a part of your life anymore,
that you'll realise that i was true to you.
it would be just a little too late.

2009-08-17T01:00:00.003+08:00

Its 3.30 in the morning and im still awake.
I have less than 3hours to sleep.
But im glad i've completed my powerpoint slide.
Hopefully, it won't get messed up tomorrow.
(:

*yawns*
Okay i'm off to bed now,
I've nothing interesting to update actually.
Hee.

p/s: i've set out my priorities.

2009-08-17T00:22:00.001+08:00

p/s: i've experienced worst shit than this,
i can overcome this, im holding on.
<3

2009-08-13T17:24:00.002+08:00

Let me have a quick update.
Gonna sleepover at opah's place till Sunday.
Wanted to go Malacca with mum and the rest but i changed my mind.
I'd rather stay put here rather than go Malacca, BORING!
Talking about Malacca, i miss the trip there with HafizBear and Siti last two years.
It was unforgettable and very memorable, plus one very touching moment.
hehe(:

I still need to pack but my clothes are still wet.
I just did my laundry and it has yet to dry, how?
I always do things last minute, serve me right.
Oh and my neck is aching real bad.
Probably due to the 8hours of doing coursework yesterday.
I will ask opah to massage for me, wah shiok! (:

School was a drag today but im glad i went to school.
I managed to print out my coursework, only left with Evaluation.
Which i would get it over and done with tomorrow, DEFINITELY!
Then i will wait for Mrs Anthony's to scream and vent on me,
Which i will then make final amendments by the dateline next friday,
then F&N OLevel Coursework will be OFFICIALLY OVERRRRR! YAYY!!!!!
Obviously its not time to celebrate, Science and Maths are eagerly waiting for me.
Grr, one down, FOUR more subjects to go!! :(((((
That's THREE subjects if i managed to nail my Olevel Malay.
Results gonna be released next wednesday, wish me lotsa luck.
* cross fingers *

And i swear i will NEVER skip malay class ever again.
When Cikgu Rosza talked to me just now, my heart ache.
She's the ONLY teacher that i truly respect, ever.
And she didn't even scold me you know, she just talked to me nicely.
Knowing her, she would already scream and yell at students who did that.
I wanted to apologize for skipping lessons and all,
But my mouth can't spill out the words, too egoist already.
Now i need to do a powerpoint slide that i have been missing out on.
Two whole weeks of not attending malay class,
now im stuck with a powerpoint presentation next monday.
I love Cikgu Roszalina, even though i've disappoint her time & again.
My attitude should & must change, pronto!

p/s: okay im off now, my neck's aching already.
<3

2009-08-12T18:09:00.003+08:00

I've been super busy with school.
Been ending school late, hence the lack of updates.
And im super disappointed with my SS Mock Exam, SEQ, just now.
I studied the wrong topic, should've studied Globalisation rather than Vernice.
It would be less complicated and my answer would be two foolscap full.
Rather than my pathetic 3/4 page answer which is not even answering the qns.
And now i need to complete my coursework which is due tomorrow!
Yes! Freaking tomorrow and what have i done? NOTHING!
Yes, absolutely nothing, so im basically screwed big time.
But im positive i can make it if i chiiiooonnggg all the way!
Maybe after im done updating my blog la,
Hehehehehe, (:

And i need to rush with the coursework.
Why? Coz i got a 9pm show to catch.
Oh and that super thick Eclipse book is calling me.
I will get lost in thoughts whenever i indulge myself into a good book.
So, i guess i will have a very sleepy and lethargic day tomorrow.
Hahahaha, addictive book, and i still have New Moon!!
Ahhh! Happiness! Okay i know im slow, but who cares!!
(((:

p/s: i've not been puffing for weeks and i feel gooood.
ohhh yeaahh, i need to kick that bad habit.
can i do it? YES I CAN!!
(okay, crap)

2009-08-12T17:23:00.008+08:00

People come and go as they please.
Its the exact same replica, living in a world of Deja Vu.
It used to be him, and now its you.
I don't know if this is an idea of a joke.
If it is that it really isn't funny, not one bit.
HE was someone i stick onto for FOUR solid years of my life.
And YOU're someone who stick by me patiently for FOUR solid years too.
Indeed, i've hurt you and i feel equally bad about it.
HE hurt me, I hurt YOU, its the old same thing all these years.
You caught me off guard by your words of confessions last night.
I told you i have someone now, i can't bear to hurt my bels.
"i love you" is just three words, meaningless if not proven.
Im still getting over my phobia of this term called "love".
First it was him, saying all those sweet nothings, coming back to me again&again,
promising me the world, taking care of me in times of darkness,
Then few days later, i saw him with her embracing in front of my naked eyes.
It was the most hurtful experience ever, coz from that day on, i've lose him for good.
That familiar face, voice, smile, hug, laughter that i gravely miss, all gone now.
Then a year later, you came back, convincing me you're different from the rest,
Then one morning i received a long text from you, a hurtful and cruel one.
You played me like a deck of cards, and damn you played your cards well.
Again, my heart was shattered, being fooled AGAIN&AGAIN!

He bumped into me not long ago and texted me those msgs.
It made my heart ache so much but i choose to ignore.
Coz i know i can never trust his words ever again.
And indeed, before i knew it, he was already back in her arms.
And YOU suddenly texted me those msgs,
Then what? You'll go straight into her embrace?
Or does this means im now stuck in a dilemma.
To be stuck in between and i have to choose either.
I know you meant well, but this isn't a game, this involves feelings.
And im damn sure i don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings.

It Takes More - Jordin Sparks

Tell me what happened this time
 Made you come back again
 I find out only see you when luck deserts you
 If this is your idea of happiness
 Then let's be clear
 Those words of yours ain't working anymore

 Cause I'm always giving
  Here waiting while you're living
 I need a new beginning
 Oh, I'm not the girl I used to be with you

 You think maybe that I'm just so easy
 You can come in and out my life like you please
 But baby no (uh-oh)
 Don't you know it takes more
 To keep a girl like me
  No more waiting for you to change
 Don't you know that you bringing flowers
 Won't stop the rain baby no, no (uh-oh)
 Don't you know it takes more
 You're the only one not worth waiting for

 I know you're busy so if you gotta go
 Then go but don't forget to leave my heart
 I stayed around for you but
  You're no where to be found now
 Once again here you are

 Cause I'm always giving
 Here waiting while you're living
 I need a new beginning
 Oh, I'm not the girl I used to be with you

 You think maybe that I'm just so easy
 You can come in and out my life like you please
  But baby no (uh-oh)
 Don't you know it takes more
 To keep a girl like me
 No more waiting for you to change
 Don't you know that you bringing flowers
 Won't stop the rain baby no-no (uh-oh)
 Don't you know it takes more
 You're the only one not worth waiting for

  I've settled for less
 When I stayed with you but no more
 Cause you aint worth waiting for, ooh, uuuuh

 You think maybe that I'm just so easy
 You can come in and out my life like you please
 But baby no (uh-oh)
 Don't you know it takes more
 (Don't you know it takes much more)
  To keep a girl like me
 No more waiting for you to change
 (Waiting for you, no, no, no, no)
 Don't you know that you bringing flowers
 Won't stop the rain baby no-no (uh-oh)
 Don't you know it takes more
 You're the only one not worth waiting for

 (uh-oh) Don't you know it takes more
  (uh-oh) Don't you know it takes much more
 (uh-oh) Don't you know it takes much more
 You're the only one not worth waiting for

 You think maybe that I'm just so easy
 You can come in and out my life like you please
 But baby no
 Don't you know it takes much more
 No-no, no more waiting for you to change
  Don't you know that you bringing flowers
 Won't stop the rain, no, oh
 Don't you know it takes much more, oh
         

p/s: i promise myself i won't hurt another soul.
and im certain i won't break this promise.

2009-08-09T17:47:00.006+08:00

The insanely unfamiliar tug i felt on my heart.
At the sudden mention of them, being seen together.
It shouldn't affect me, not even one bit.
But then my mouth poured out numerous questions.
Every question answered tighten the grip of my heart.
I've convinced myself im over and done with this,
But why this sudden insane emotion?
I wonder.

I should be out with girlfriends today.
To enjoy the magnificent sight of the fireworks.
But my eyes are drooping, my body is aching.
Just got back from the last minute sleepover's at grandma.
And now i need to catch up on last min revisions.
Only after i have my sufficient amount of rest.
My grandma is a sweet darling,
When i woke up she gave me crunchy.
One of my fav chocs, cute or what sia.
(:

p/s: regardless of the outcome,
i will be responsible for it.

2009-08-06T00:45:00.002+08:00

I'll be updating short updates instead.
Maybe longer ones when there's something excited/special.
Prelims in less than a month, so i won't be updating much.
Saturday watching the women's team soccer match.
Afterwhich sunday onwards i will start to revise & revise.
Sorry people if i were to ignore calls/rarely reply msgs.
I need to start getting serious, people are pining their hope on me.
Regardless of their high hopes, i will try to at least do my best.
Im out of here, my eyes are literally shutting off already.
GoodNight!
(:

p/s: for now, i don't even have a choice.

2009-08-06T00:01:00.001+08:00

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education:

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

You value your friendships: 75%

You love your friends very much - so much so that it's actually quite a worry. You may not be able to cope very well when you do lose somebody's friendship. You are a very sensitive and fragile person, and are therefore likely to get upset easily. You care for your friends and are willing to do anything that they ask you to do. Sometimes this can make your friends think that you are a bit of a nuisance. Nevertheless, people do really love you because your highest priority is your friends.

2009-08-04T12:32:00.006+08:00

Having F&N lessons now.

Im like super bored with nothing to do.
Okay maybe i do have some work to do.

ALOT of work, but im procastinating yet again.

Oh wells, im starting in a while.

Anyway, this morning received a msg from bro.

So sweet like sugarcane lah that assclown.

It brings a smile to my face just by reading it.

I miss him super duper much.

Okay i need to go now.

Facebook-ing and then the coursework.

Hehehehehehe.

-edited-
I've been busy nowadays.
I don't even have spare time in hand.
Baby is busy with school/training/etc.
While im busy with schoolwork and family matters.
We're both busy with our own things, hectic schedules.
Ahh, its 1am in the morning and im off to do my revision for CH.
There's a mock exam tomorrow and i have high hopes on it.
Oh btw i miss u, enough said.
<3

" never make someone your everything,

when you mean nothing to them "

p/s: im still weighing the pros and cons.

2009-08-03T17:51:00.011+08:00

You looked at me with your face filled with amusement and glee.
Your teeth glistened under the shimmering sun, that perfect set of teeth.
Your bushy hair was just the way i like it, wavy and just the right length.
Your smell lingers, that familiar scent of yours that made me shiver.
Your hot breath against my earlobe as that husky voice of yours thundered through.
That familiar masculine strong arms were wrapped around my waist.
That hazelnut eyes gazing longingly back at me, oblivious of the surrounding.
The movement of my own arms entwining around your neck with such grace.
In a split second, i felt myself falling, falling so deep in an old fashion movie pace.
Slowly and slowly i fell, waiting for the cold impact of a cemented floor.
But the impact i felt was a cold and soft texture of the flowerbed.
I shuddered and i snapped my eyes open, the familiar pattern of my bedroom covered my view.
That's when i realised it was a dream all along, a sweet dream that felt so true.
A dream that will forever remain as a dream, and never the reality.
Sometimes dreams are better than reality, enough said.
(:

p/s: a dream so real, its as though im in a 3D dimension.

2009-08-02T22:24:00.008+08:00

Pervin Gill:
Suzie, whenever i kanna pai seh or scold from teachers,, it is ALWAYS your fault.
but it is still funny when we laugh about it 1 hour later
and get our faces all red again!!! :D ps. i ♥ this year :) on Thursday

Just seeing this on facebook brings a smile on my face.
She type it on her shout-out/wall at facebook.
How super sweet can she be right? Awww.
(:

Btw im back!!
The three days was err, okay.
While mum and sis was enjoying the cruise,
I overnight at Opah's place, and i had fun!
I even get to spend time and have a heart-to-heart talk with darling.
I even made banana fritters and send it at her doorsteps, sweet right?
I know, i love darling Ho Hwee Kwan so super duper much.
<3

On saturday, went to a soccer match.
I almost argue with this guy la.
When im the one whose sitting at the wrong side.
I didn't know that i was THAT talkative & daring,
Hehehe.
(:

And school was a breeze today.
Finally handed up my F&N Coursework Part B.
Now its time to touch on Coursework Part A and im done.
Only with F&N Coursework, i still have theory to revised.
It seems like only six mere subjects, but the impact is very big.
One subject can already result in a splitting headache.
80 more days to persevere, ahh.

And i need to fetch lil sis from school in a short while.
I feel so damn lazy to walk all the way to lakeside area.
And then walk all the way back home with that lil girl.
*sigh*

Okay im going to have a short nap.
I feel so lethargic due to the "long" assembly.
And the "long" bus ride home just now.
To make things short, i feel so sleepy now.
*yawns*

p/s: its the simple things you do,
that could hurt my feelings.

2009-07-30T16:48:00.002+08:00

This is gonna be a very quick update.
I need to pack my stuffs and my toiletries.
Sleeping over at grandma place for three days.
No computer, No internet access, So no daily updates.
On a brighter note, i get to meet my darling everyday.
*grins widely*

And i can't wait to meet babybels.
I prefer babybels now then last year.
Coz babybels has changed so drastically.
I mean, in a good way of cos, hehe.
We were so different last year, alot of conflicts.
I love the way we are now, and i love baby.
<3

And im going to M1 customer service later.
I really regret using M1, i should've used Starhub.
They changed the line plan without informing us.
And resulting in extra charges and even no free outgoing calls to M1 numbers.
I will seriously insist that i want it to be as per normal,
Coz baby has already used a new M1 number, as requested by me, hehe.
If its still a problem then, im gonna change my plan, hmph.

Oh and probably having study session till the wee hours.
With Sayang, Darling and maybe CatCat on saturday night.
I seriously need to buck up, 83 more days you know!
How time flies just like that, in a blink of an eye sia.
Oh and i will miss (P.S) randomness and drama-mama attitude.
Her silly gossips and also, her bimbo acts.
Which left me laughing non-stop in class just now.
HAHA!

p/s: i can't wait to make grandma's speciality goreng pisang.
to those who have tried, you should know it taste like.
ahhh, im salivating already,
(:

2009-07-29T16:07:00.014+08:00

im not in my best mood nowadays.
i would just snap at anyone within a distance.
i've been cranky and moody nowadays.
i apologize for any sarcasm/moodswings/blow ups.
studies are driving me crazy, homeworks are piling up.
and don't get me started on revision, im left with 83days.
poly is within my reach, but im not striving hard for it at all.
friendships are going haywire, i miss old times.
and speaking of which, i have to do my maths and ss now.
oh, im craving for fried mars bars.
gonna get it tomorrow, MAYBE.
:)

And DARLING HO HWEE KWAN!
Please get well soon, im worried sick.
School just isn't the same without you laughter.
Yes, your laughter is very contagious.
Feels weird not walking into the school with you this morning.
Faster get well soon okay darling?
Friday we having martial arts, your favourite right?
Hahahahah, I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH!
((:

And fyi, its not that i teared up easily.
Maybe because you've just known me.
People around me will understand me better.
Why im so vulnerable and fragile.
I may be loud/hyper/talkative,
But only loved ones know the real me.
Even soulsister and norra knows bout my life background.
I remember going for counseling with norra, hehehehe.

Anyway i won't drag this furthur.
I've seen your blog and your post.
Thanks for those sweet remarks, i appreciate it.
Sometimes love is something you can't force.
Im sorry once again.

And i realised that im left with 4 months or so till graduation day.
People may be all excited about the possibility of a prom night.
But i dread for the end of this year, i'll miss my secondary school friends.
Especially shakinah & norra those two prettyheads.
And definitely will bring those fond memories with me.
Alot of things had happened and sec school has been AMAZING!
I miss the old batch and i will miss my classmates too.
Awww, somehow i don't want secondary school life to end.
:(

baby has been wonderful, surprising me last minute yesterday.
eventhough time spent was short,
i had a smile plastered on my face the whole day.
aww, i love you so much,
i can't believe its already one year,
its funny how we're still together up till now.
despite the fights/misunderstandings/
conflicts/communication problem.
and i may not be the most good looking/prettiest/
smartest/nicest girlfriend you had,
but i know that i super duper love and care for you a big deal.
thanks for always making me smile cheeky babybels.
<3

p/s: still craving for durians;
hehehehe(:

2009-07-28T15:44:00.007+08:00

I miss this guy so much.
He's been very busy, too busy in fact.
He's facing a huge problem and trying so hard to fix it.
I fully understand and may your problem be fixed soon.
You're one strong dude, i know you can face it bravely.
Im glad that we've stayed strong throughout five years.
Thanks for always being there for me when i needed you the most.
You even know my deepest darkest dirtiest secret that no one know.
You saw me in my most terrible moments ever,
My anger, My Tantrum, My break downs and My tears.
You scold me, nag at me, shout at me, joke with me.
Every lil thing you do could just make me burst into fits of laughter.
I remember the tragic incident/mishap i went through,
I called you in a sec and you were anxious to meet me and comfort me.
I was in fits of tears and shuddering, and you comfort me as soon as you see me.
I cried coz i was scared/traumatized/shattered by the incident,
And also because i was so touched by your deepest concern towards me.
Even my close friend at that point of time wasn't there.
Even my family was not there as they were at malaysia.
You were the only one who comfort me and lifted up my spirits.
You were the one who scolded me when i did stupid stuffs.
And you were utterly upset when you knew the things that i did.
I thought no one cared, but i was so wrong, you cared alot.
I changed coz i didn't want to upset you and coz i respect you alot.
You've seen my changes and my flaws, but yet you still rate me 7/10!
Hahahaha, inside joke, but still, that small lil thing makes me smile.
I wouldn't know what life would be like if i hadn't met you.
I love you fariz fariqzal mansuri, and i respect you alot.
I've always wanted a brother, and i've got him,
the best brother i can ever asked for.
<3

And yesterday i had a verbal fight.
Really, i can't stand you any longer.
One wrong move and i swear im gonna blurt it out.
It will affect you so severely that you'll regret doing what you did.
You'll never want to experienced the unleashed of years of hatred.
I can smile/laugh and joke around with you,
but maybe im just too good of an actress.
People know what a sleazy jackass you are,
And trust me, you won't wanna step on my line.
I've lived 10years without my own family,
And i can live another 10years without them again.
And thanks to sis and mum for standing up for me.
But sometimes i'd rather stay put at my foster family's place
and endure the brutal violence of physical and mental abuse,
Then staying with my own blood and feeling so miserable and left out.
Life is never a fair one, love is not a battlefield, life is.

p/s: i realised that im getting too sensitive over some issues,
and i really need to overcome this sensitivity before it cost me.

2009-07-27T13:13:00.006+08:00

Anyway, i didn't attend school today.
Well, i felt a tug on my chest, i was breathless.
The pain was tugging continuously, then mum went into the room.
I told her my alarm didn't rang when i know very well that it did.
I just didn't want to tell her bout the discomfort,
for fear that she would just drag me to the clinic.
And i HATE to go to the doctor, i loathe going there.
The waiting, the check-up, the medicines, YUCKS!
Baby, how i wish you're beside me now,
:(

I just found out that prelim is in less than 30days.
And im still taking it so lightly, im still clueless about science.
Yes, im referring to both chemistry and physics.
Especially in terms of practical, im utterly clueless.
And oh please don't get me started on mathematics.
Im screwed, big time.

The weather is so nice to sleep in.
Cold windy wind, chilly atmosphere.
Ahh, sheer heaven, blissful.
Oh and i can't wait for mum to be back.
Going to ask her to buy some groceries.
I need tidbits at home to munch on 24/7.
Hehehe, (:

Last but not least,
I want to have some fried mars bars right now.
Or maybe just a bar of chocolate mars, but im too lazy.
Too lazy to even go to the nearest provision shop.
I'd rather snuggle on the comfort of my bed,
Hahahha, lazy bum, i know.

p/s: i need sweet stuffs right now,
i really need a break.

2009-07-26T15:56:00.004+08:00

Let's have a quick re-cap.
Study session with fie last friday.
In which i spent more time camwhoring
and throwing tantrums coz i didn't know how to do my work.
And thanks for the gift, and sorry if i were to angered you.

Afterwhich, baby called me and asked bout my whereabouts.
Packed things up and hurried to baby's place.
Sit around with baby since baby was sick.
But then something occurred along the way.
And i was so clueless of what to do,
The first time ever i chased someone like that.

Don't ever leave me like that ever again okay baby?
My heart literally fall out, i was so afraid of losing you again.
The last time you walked away from me,
You ended up walking entirely from my life.
I love you baby, and im really sorry.
<3

Yesterday, went to the NDP thing at Marina after my tuition.
I swear i was like a bimbo, walking around under the hot sun.
But finally, i found them and i had lots of fun.
Pictures are with Tracy and Hwee Kwan.
(:

After the NDP, we headed to Holland Village for supper.
Had Burger King and then headed back home at 11plus.
And i don't know why i had a strange feeling the whole day yesterday.
I felt as though im going to meet someone significant.
While walking to the bus stop, saw bus 145 and tracy asked me to chased it.
And so we did, and things really do happened for a reason.

When i alighted from the bus, someone tapped my shoulders.
I nearly bulged my eyes out when i saw him, i thought i was dreaming.
I had mixed feelings, i smiled, he smiled, he laughed, i laughed.
It felt so different now, after so long of not meeting up.
Chit chat for awhile and we bid goodbye with a hug.
And this time, i didn't even shed a tear, my heart didn't even ache.
I can't even bring myself to ever meet up with you again.
And i don't know why.

Oh and tomorrow there's school!
Ahh! My homework's are still halfway done.
I need to finish it all up and have a good night sleep.
(:

" i felt happy just by talking with you and seeing you,
thinking of our past cheer me up already "
im sorry, my heart doesn't flutter when you said those words.
i've moved on, so please don't make me turn back.

p/s: sometimes i just want you to care more,
sometimes i miss being showered with love,
sometimes i miss someone more than i should.
sometimes, i just wish time would come to a halt.

2009-07-23T21:29:00.003+08:00

Im addicted to the song-Running Back.
I could really relate to it, and am listening to it now.
And im updating now coz i've done my homework.
Except for maths which i don't understand, at all.
Hehehe,(:

And i was looking through my small box,
I saw the pictures, the book, the paper graffiti since sec one.
My heart felt like its been punched on umpteen times.
Yes, you hurt me so bad, you discriminated me so bad,
But you did treated me like how i love to be treated,
You never fail to make me smile and laugh every day.
You would sacrifice and do anything to make me happy.
Despite the fights, you will always be the one i'll be missing.
Now that you're gone, im getting used to life without you.
Nevertheless, you won't be forgotten, never ever.
You've been the best guyfriend/exboyfriend i ever had.
I can never find someone like you, not for now i guess.
Last long long, I miss the fun moments we had.
but of coz i miss babybels more!<3

Mum cooked my favourite dish!
But my stomach is very stubborn,
Then how eh?
Hahaha.

Oh and get well soon SoulSister.
Its just yesterday that i was talking with you.
And today you're with high fever?
Eat medicine and drink lots of water.
ily<3

Oh and im staying over Opah's place next week.
So im gonna be at tanglin you know,
Gonna be super close with darling hwee kwan!
And i can meet baby!!
But what if baby don't want to meet me?
:(

Nevermind, i must standby back up plan.
Which i do have plenty up my sleeves.
I feel like going to henderson waves again.
Its tiring but its such a nice place.
Kan? Kan? Kan?
But its sooooo near his place,
Just a few mins walk away,
Then the memories will flood back,
Lagi skali, i sound so pathetic.
:'(

p/s: LESS THAN TWO MONTHS TO PRELIMS!
HOW TIME FLIES!! AHH!

2009-07-23T16:24:00.002+08:00

okay, my post can never be complete
without my hottie's picture, hehe(:

First of all, i wanna breathe a sigh of relief.
I thought i lost my thumbdrive, again.
I called darling right there and then to search for it at the comp lab.
She called few mins later and declared that its not there.
Imagine the long whining, shrieking she got from me.
And imagine the long naggy lecture i got from her! TSK!
I swear the people in the train were all looking at me.
With my face reactions and hand movements,
plus the fact that i was using earpiece to communicate.
Embarrassing much, but in the end, it was not lost after.
Darling lied to me so that i'll learn my lesson.
Yes, i did and im so glad its found, all my hardwork is in there.
And i have no hard copy of it plus i lost my previous thumbdrive.
Like what someone said to me,
"if your head's not attached to your body, you would forget bout it too"
Hahahaha, this quote kept on playing in my head,
And i was smiling to myself the whole walking journey back home.
Sometimes small lil things like this just make me smile.

Oh and anyway, i felt nauseous again you know.
But i ate mee siam, which doesn't taste nice, at all.
And my stomach is growling, hungry like dog.
But i don't wanna eat, coz i'll end up feeling nauseous.
I know, then why complain if im so hard headed right?
Okay im gonna shut up already, hehe.

Oh and im so touched by what pervin said to me.
"Im glad to replaced Mariam in your life",
And im glad you did too, my companion in class.
And she NEVER fail to bring that smile to my face,
(:

And fyi, i hate it when people sign out just like that.
Okay maybe your connection went haywire or something.
But seriously your qns made me so doubtful.
I just said that i won't hurt you,
So what makes you think that i regret being with you?
Don't think negatively okay?
I'll try to meet u tomorrow.
At least im there when you're sick right?
Maybe before or after my study session,
IF you're free/willing to meet up, just text me aight.
I miss my bels and i wanna hug my bels.
I don't mind getting sick cos of bels,
Sweet much? I know, hahahahha!
(:

Okay i wanna go watch tv, hear songs, slack-slack,
Then im off to complete my CH assignments and Maths.
Before i get lectured by both teachers tomorrow,
they always give me the "why aren't doing your best?" look at me.
:(

p/s: Its Alright, Its Okay.
Im so much better without you.
<3

2009-07-22T21:21:00.009+08:00

Blogger is such a moron!
I can't upload my hottie's picture you know!
But at least i have her picture on my previous post.
Look below, there! Can you see her??
My hottie, Kate Moennig, heheh.
*melting again*
(:

Firstly, i wanna give a big shout out.
I just found out today that im TALLER than SOULSISTER.
I have to post this coz she declared that im shorter than her.
PROUDLY and ARROGANTLY at her blog.
She very perasan right?
I know, hehehehe(:

Oh and LC just now was terribly.
I was literally pulling my hair off my scalp.
It was darn complicated and very mind confusing.
Every alphabet is the answer, well to me, that is.
I even played "a,b,c,d which one is the right answer, give it to me!"
You know, the thing u would recite and just choose any alphabet.
Yes, i did that you know! Pathetic much right? I KNOW!
Im glad its over and done with, i know i did my best,
Even though im THIS close to shutting my eyes to sleep.
Hehehe, (:

Afterwhich, i headed to Dawson with Darling and Co.
Bought two food items and consume it immediately.
And guess what? Guess what? I almost vomited it out.
Luckily Darling helped me by massaging my back.
I don't wanna eat anymore la!
I will just end up puking, i hate the feeling la.
Tsk!

And thanks to Hazi Dearie,
Accompanied me by text-ing from the moment i ended my LC.
Reached home at 7plus and guess what's the first thing mum said to me?
"Adik, kau dah mkn ke belom? Kau gi makan lah".
I showed her my most angelic smile and said that i've eaten.
When the actual fact is that i haven't even consume rice for two days?
Hee.

And friday, im going to study at T(sp?) garden.
Maybe with Darling Hwee Kwan or with Fie or with Bels.
Darling Hwee Kwan would probably going to do some visiting,
Bels would probably still be in a sick condition,
And if Fie don't mind traveling from Bedok, then why not?
(:

And now, im going to procrastinate.
I don't wanna do F&N Coursework already, i give up.
Now im gonna innocently do my maths worksheets.
And worry bout my F&N last minute, tomorrow.
I know, im surely gonna get screwed tomorrow.
I don't care already,
*roll eyes 360degrees*

-some extra things to add-

I did some self reflection and i realised what a jerk i was/am.
I've hurt countless on people without even realising.
I've hurt people in many unimaginable ways.
i cheated, i played with feelings, i was insincere,
i made someone cry, i made someone disheartened,
i made someone so angry he threw tables and chairs all over,
i lied, i denied the truth and convince them with lies.
And to someone in particular, i've hurt her for FOUR years.
I did tried to salvage the hatred, to finally accepted her.
But in the end, i got hurt, sweet revenge, yes i had the taste of that.
She made me realised what a jerk i was, hurting the ones who love me.
But what i would say to her is the same as what i said to the rest.
"i don't wanna lose a friendship so precious over something trivial"
and now, we're not even in talking terms right?
i made her cry so bad all night long,
i made her travel all the way from yishun for NOTHING,
i stood her up on MY birthday just to celebrate it with someone else.
When she had planned on a ravishing birthday surprise for me,
with a cake that has a ring in it so that i will accidentally eat the ring.
i even text her so cruelly and made her mistreated herself.
i kept on blaming her for the separation between me and exgf.
but i guess, im the one with the problem.
i didn't wanna face reality, i was so afraid to get hurt.
and not forgetting, im such a bitch, for hurting them.

why? why am i hurting people again and again?
i didn't ask for this, i didn't ask them to have those feelings.
should i be blamed? maybe, for leading them on.
i guess karma hits me doubly hard in the face, smack smack.
coz the ones i truly care for and love dearly, hurt me thrice harder.
i remembered getting stood up for hours and finally, the person didn't turn up.
i remembered throwing my psp on the floor when i found out i was being played.
i remember not sleeping for 24hours, coz i was crying when i got to know bout her.
i remembered crying so badly that my eyes were so swollen and red.
i remembered falling terribly ill when i was missing him so badly.
i remember the time i saw him & her just 2weeks after the break up,
hand in hand, joking with each other at the school compound.
i remember being so happy with him, and pledging that we'll be stronger than ever,
and then two days later i saw u with her RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES.
i remember crying the whole journey back home when i saw him & her.
i guess, i've been hurt more harshly then how i hurt others.
god is fair, and for that, im sorry.

for now, i've repented, i'll never be the old suzie.
i promised myself not to hurt another soul.
i promised to prolonged the hurt as long as the other party is okay.
i promised myself that i won't play around with another
person's feelings anymore.
last but not least, i promise myself to treat people better than i did.
and i promise myself that i won't let the same people to hurt me.
that's the reason why, i've gotten rid of some people in my life.
i need to do some soul-searching, to find out my goal in life and my purpose.
coz for now, i don't even have a proper goal in life.
maybe i do, but am i working hard enough to achieve it?
i really don't think so,

And to my Bels,
Now that i did accepted you back,
I won't let you go despite anything.
Yes, we rarely meet and we hardly contact each other.
But i've taken you back, and i won't hurt you.
I've promised myself that i will never hurt
the next person whom enter my life.
So, no matter what, i won't leave you.
I will bear with the hurt, heart pain, whatever, i don't care.
So long as you're happy, i won't complain alright.
Im willing to get hurt to atone for my mistakes.
get well soon bels, imy.
(:

p/s: give me three reasons why i should hold on.

2009-07-22T14:57:00.003+08:00

ahhh, super duper hot hot heat.
*melts, melting, melted*
hehe, (:

Okay, this is gonna be a super quick update.
As i need to rush to school, in half an hour time.
I got a freaking LC to sit for, and im happily listening to songs now.
Damaging my listening system even more, hehe.

Oh and my illness is back, ahh!
I feel nauseous whenever i consume "heavy food".
Examples of heavy? Rice, Noodles, Bread, Etc.
I can only eat snacks and light food.
Its just going on cycles, im gonna be skinny again.
I think its a practice for fasting month which is coming soon.
Hahaha, (can make joke out of illness seh suzie, tsk!)

And get well soon okay?
Go eat medicine, Drink water, And have ample of rest.
Sorry i couldn't be there for you when you're sick.
Its not that i don't care eh bels!
Accompany me go study on friday pretty please?
But if you're still sick, rest well and get well soon aight.
Don't worry, i understand fully aight, hahaha.
(:

Oh and i slept like a drunken girl yesterday.
You know why? I answered a call unknowingly.
I was at school and i was going through my call lists.
Coz i will always delete my call lists if there's any call history.
Then i saw "withheld" on my received call list at 11pm plus.
When i was sleeping like a corpse already at that point of time.
I text fie and asked if she did call me or did someone answered the call.
And she said i did answered her call and i talk nonsense.
She don't even wanna tell me what i talked about.
Jahat kan? Haiya, now im curious.
What DID i talk about?
*confused expression*

Ahhh, its three o'clock already,
I need to rush back to school.
SAYONARA!

p/s: you know im strong,
but i can't take that blow.

2009-07-21T16:35:00.002+08:00

“Too often we don't realize what we have until it's gone.
Too often we wait too long, to say 'i am sorry, i was wrong.'”

I've been disappointed by you, again.
And i choose to naively believe you
and the reason that you gave me.
I give you till this friday, to make it up to me..
Missing someone does need bundle of efforts to prove it.
I regret rushing here and there in the hopes of not being late.
When in the end, i ended up being so darn early for nothing.
Lesson to be learn: Never get so "kanchiong" over something so badly.
(:

Oh and im super duper disappointed with my EL marks.
How could i get just mere 12/50?
I know i can do so much better, i really can.
But the idea now is to buck up and strive harder.
The only problem is, am i willing to do it?
Its all up to me, yes, i know.

Oh and i have mother tongue listening compre tmrw.
Yes, i need to dig my ears so deeply till its 101% clear.
So that the radio waves will just flow through my ears fluently.
Well, as a matter of fact, im gonna tie my hair so high up.
As if it will help with the listening, but oh well, it doesn't hurt to try right?
(:

Oh and i want this super hot dress.
But it doesn't look good on me.
Why? The reason is very simple.
My height is a major problem.
I don't look good in dresses,
It makes me look far more shorter,
Even SOULSISTER is taller than me!
I can't believe it okay, tsk tsk.

p/s: coz being with you means being alone,
persevere.... only a few more months to go.

2009-07-20T21:58:00.006+08:00

Anyway, to start things off,
Im not going to say that im a good friend,
Well, i can't say that im a bad friend either.
I was concern about your well-being too,
But the reason why i didn't visited you?
Well, there's multiple reasons why.
People changed, bonds changed, im sorry.
We can never be like we used to be.
That's a fact that can never be altered.
Gosh, it does hurt to be seeing you everyday,
and not interacting like we normally do,
But like what girlfriends said, its for the best.
I miss you Siti Nurbaya, i really do.
Why can't you realise that the one who care
for you the most is just right in front of you?
:(

Okay i decided on going to school tomorrow.
Why? Because my bestest girlfriends insisted.
Plus tomorrow is the research day for Investigative Work.
And i won't give her a chance to pin point me for my absentees again.
And guess what? I spent too much time on Coursework Part B
that i have yet to touch Coursework Part A which is due this THURSDAY!
Wah lao, i can kiss my distinction grade good bye in this rate im going.
And i realised that Physics is way more easier and less complicated than Chemistry.
BUT i have yet to touch up on Science and F&N theory.
Im too busy with my other subjects, ahh, less than a month u know!
:(

p/s: i won't be updating long updates that much,
so much to do, so little time.

2009-07-17T22:57:00.004+08:00

hot hot heat!
simply can't get enough of her.
(:

Okay enough of that hot stuff above,
Im bored, like seriously bored with nothing to do.
I've done my maths which i spent 3hours plus just to revise.
But yet, i still have alot of doubts and i don't understand most of it.
Seriously, i need to really ask around for help, hopeless sia.
Hehehe, (:

Oh and im not going to school on tuesday.
Which is racial harmony day, tsk tsk.
IF school is officially a half-day, then i will reconsider.
Coz i won't wanna wear those traditional outfits, no way.
Imagine studying throughout the day with baju kurung.
I will then end up swimming in a pool of sweat.
Panas sepanas panasnye tau, better still wear the scarf right?
Fuuh, traditional habis, can enter madrasah already, hee.
OKAY! CRAP! I KNOW, DON'T ENTERTAIN.

Oh and i still am craving for DURIAN!
Wahh, when can i get my hands on some durians.
Thinking of it now can make me salivate.
Oh and not forgetting, tiramisu.
Hehehehehehe, (:

I will psycho my mum to buy for me durians.
But then, she will end up saying its too heaty.
*roll eyes 360degress*

Oh and suddenly i feel sleepy.
Blogging does wonders, haha.
Okay you see, crap again.
Suzie gone case alr, heeee(:

Oh and to DARLING HO HWEE KWAN,
Please cheer up and be hyper active again.
It hurts me to see you in this condition.
I pray and hope that things will turn out just fine.
I love you darling, im just a text away okay?
Don't hold back your tears, i can lend you my shoulder.
That's what friends are for you know.
<3

p/s: follow the flow;
even if it leads to a massive destruction.

2009-07-17T15:37:00.003+08:00

im sorry, i really am.
but its for the best.
its true what my friends say,
i don't need to focus on anything else.
time will heal all wounds, i need to be strong
i guess time is never sufficient enough to do multiple things.
and i really don't wish to multi-task & end up at the losing end.
three more months left, i really have to set my priorities right.
i barely have enough time to catch up, time is very precious.
i know im making a right decision but why is my heart aching so badly.
Gosh, heartache is temporary but failure and regret is for life.
(:

2009-07-16T20:33:00.003+08:00

Let me start off this post with a BIG SORRY.
I blow up very badly today and i lose my temper.
I shed tears of frustration over nothing you know!
I know, im such a cry baby, and im super sensitive nowadays.
And i don't know why! Oh My Goodness Suzie stop it sia!

And im finally over and done with my Investigative Practical.
I had a terrible stomachache due to tasting those ikan selar.
I swear i hate F&N, risk of food poisoning is very high.
Well, only for students like me i guess, hehe.
Now i only have Coursework to touch up.
And DM is still untouched, die!

And today is a very unfortunate day ever okay!
I was on time for school but was being labeled as LATE!
Juts because i went to the kitchen to store the fishes,
Due to that, i had to run like mad(which i don't mind coz i got to see that hot girl),
hahah, oh yeah, and i have to stay back till late.
PLUS i was being asked to go to Queensway Sec to pass a slip.
Travel there just to produce that one piece of slip you know!
Sit through the mock exam, remedial and waited for Helfi since he needed to go too.
He said he will go with me, but in the end, i went with my two girlfriends.
But i was okay with it since he called me when he wanted to go there.
Luckily i didn't wait for that Helfi, he played soccer till he cannot play.

Then after giving the slip and waiting for that teacher for half an hour,
Headed back to school to serve my detention and guess what?
Mr Harrie was nowhere to be found so ended up slacking at canteen.
Finally saw him heading to his car and run to him to save myself from trouble.
And what he said to me really makes sense, and really make me wanna strive hard.
But im just too plain lazy to make an effort, ahh, lame shit.

Headed back home with Tracy and co,
Reached home at 6.45, bath and stuffs.
Now i have to do my Social Studies Assignment.
Which is due tomorrow, but my eyes are sleepy alr.
How?

Soulsister, you lie to me you know!
You said you got MD but i saw u at the Bus stop,
I strangle you then you know! Hahahaha.

Tracy Sayang nagged at me when she saw my inbox.
And i promise you this okay, i won't be too naive anymore.
I don't make any effort to contact him, I don't yearn for him,
neither do i have those feelings for him anymore.
He text me after so long, but yet i didn't even utter the "imy".
See? i can be a strong girl after all, errr, it takes time lah.
Aku nie semangat dua tiga saat je, hehehehe.
Oh and i know she won't understand the malay sentence above.
HAHAHAHAH! Will get nagged again when she read this.
Her naggings are like a long line of countless and humorous jokes,
People get mad when they get nagged, but i ended up laughing like a hyena.
That's what those two bestest girlfriends of mine do to me.
Always make me laugh, aww, i love them both soo much okay.
Hurt either one of them, You'll get hurt double the amount.
For them, i won't be hamchi(sp?) okay, hahahaha.
<3

p/s: i won't give my all, coz i know the outcome.

2009-07-15T16:51:00.005+08:00

She's so hot hot heat, geram!
Kate Moennig a.k.a Shane McCutcheon. *melts*
Sis just bought the whole season of The L Word.
Except for Season 6 which is just released this year.
Oh My Fucking God, how hot can shane be lar.
Oh but she's a total womanizer and a playa.
Who cares? She's a total hot stuff okay.
(:

Okay enough.
Tomorrow's gonna have practical.
Imagine me, bring the three fishes to school!
All the way from jurong to queenstown,
I will smell fishy i tell you, ikan selar some more!
Wah lan, i can die of embarrassment i tell you.
F&N is very troublesome.
And i still haven't do my Decision Making.
:(

And Siti just called me.
She's being hospitalized.
Asked to conference with Darling HK.
I want to tag along, but i got my coursework to be done.
So, just get well soon okay siti?
Take Care.

Ahhh!
I miss alot of people badly.
But i've got no time in my hands,
Go school, come back school, Slack, Sleep.
Olevels is in two months, i can't slack too much.
And obviously my going out days is being restricted.
I need to study till Olevels are over and done with.
I can die siaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,
:(

And daddy, im so upset with you.
You didn't even wish me on my birthday.
Despite reminding you, still no wishes.
I don't anything from you, just for you to remember.
Why do you think that im only doing good for your money?
Money can't buy love, I love you sincerely.
And its good enough that i love you despite
you abandoning me when i was small.
Its good enough that i don't bear any hatred for you,
when you didn't even care bout me when i was small.
Its good enough that i still make the effort to occasionally sleep over,
just to spend quality time with you whenever i sleep over.
I hate my family background, my complicated background.
Sometimes i envy those teenagers with a happy family.
I love you dad, even though we rarely even meet up.
And even though you bond better with sis than me.
Ahhh, fuck la, i just can't get along with family members.
:(

p/s: & im at the verge of letting go,
i made a very huge mistake;i shouldn't have.

2009-07-14T17:46:00.003+08:00

I just received a text msg.
It was very unexpected indeed.
Why am i getting unexpected surprises now?
Some are pleasant but some are not.

Firstly, i admit that i did miss you terribly.
Take note; the date is 14th so its not a surprise.
But i really didn't expect you to text me at 3am!
I should be feeling happy and glad but instead,
I felt as though its better if you just kept mute.
Coz its easier for me to erase everything off my mind.
But it was nice to hear from you again and
Its nice to hear you say that you won't forget me, ever.
(:

Secondly, im very sorry if you've gotten the wrong idea.
I already make it very clear that im not emotionally available.
My heart is taken and sealed, no one can steal it away from me.
Even if you were to have a sports car and send me to and from school,
I can never fall for you, coz money can't buy love.
All i can say is that im thankful to have such a nice friend.
I know im your ONLY featured friend is friendster,
Its been years already and if you haven't move on, please DO move on.
Thanks for the lavish gifts you've showered me every once a year,
And really thank you so much for being such a gentleman.
But money can't buy love and i don't eye people's money.
Im sorry.

Thirdly, i just receive a very frustrating msg.
I admit i did hurt you for the past 4 years of your life.
I treated you so damn badly till you mistreated yourself.
I gave you high hopes and end up pushing you away.
I treated you so badly that no one can ever imagine, for years.
And you did had your sweet revenge didn't you?
Please don't disturb me anymore, i won't believe those lies.
I won't fall into such traps anymore, im not naive anymore.
I had my karma, tons of them, and im going through it now.
You can enjoy my misery ex girlfriend,
your sweet revenge has worked out perfectly well.

Fourthly, i admit i can be such a shithead at times.
My crankiness, mood swings, attitude problem & stubborn-ness.
Everyone has its flaws right? It happens that i have one too many flaws.
Im sorry to those i've hurt badly before, i really am truly sorry.
Sometimes i do things without thinking and end up regretting.
Sometimes due to my ego, i lose friendships/relationships and i regret.
Sometimes i love someone too much that i ended up being someone im not.
But im happy with my life right now, i have my two bestest girlfriends.
And of coz, my super duper belo partner<3

p/s: don't tell me things i don't wish to hear;

2009-07-14T13:31:00.010+08:00

Im wasted my time at comp lab.

Was suppose to do my coursework,
But... knowing me, i'll surf the net instead.

Hehe.
(:

Oh and i find guys to be a MAJOR turn-off.

With their super sugar coated words, they swoon girls over.

All they ever know is to stick their stupid dick in and then walk off.

All they ever care is how many girls they have then how many merits they get.

All they ever care is how HOT that girl is and how GOOD that girl is.

All they ever care is how much in control they have over the girl,

rather than how nice and gentlemanly they treat their girl.
All they care is how far they've done rather than how long they've endured.

All THEY EVER CARE IS ABOUT THEIR FUCKING LUST!!!

I loathe guys so much, intimacy is not a must in a relationship okay.

Even a very firm girl can be crushed and be put down so badly by a guy.

Behind every successful guy is a women,

But behind every failed women/depressed women is a man.

Never let a guy ruined you, coz you'll be at the losing end.

I'd rather be with a girl than stupid, useless guys.

Okay this is only referring to worthless, idiotic, no life guys.

Oh and Kate Moennig is sooo damn fucking hot can?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

And yes, she's an andro, hot hot heat!
(:

p/s: im craving for sweet desserts.
and i miss you belo.
<3

2009-07-14T05:06:00.005+08:00

Its 5.17am in the MORNING now.
And i just cant sleep you know.
Don't worry i'll still be going to school later.
Reason why im awake is very shocking.
But, i shall not mention it here.
All i can say is, god answered one of my wish for my birthday.
Ahh, see the date! Why is it so coincidental!!
eventhough you text just because you're in a tiff with her,
and u ask me how to solve the dispute between u & her.
My eyes are so sore already,
Can't be with or without you.
Damn, im such a fickle minded girl.

And fyi, i always write my "personal" feelings in a small font.
Coz its suppose to show that its my personal feeling.
Im sorry if you were hurt or angered by my words.
But that's just how i feel, that's all, nothing more.
If you can't accept it, then there's nothing more i can say.

Let me get this straight yeah.
People who know me damn well would know
that i don't like to talk it out face to face.
Coz it will damn well lead to a very huge heated argument.
Plus the fact that im someone who act rashly.
I would type stupid idiotic stuffs, but will be okay in a few hours.
Thats me, if you have or wanna know.
Its already one year, if u still don't know me that well,
Then i've got nothing left to say.
(:

Ahh! Guess what? Guess what?
Im super awake and bored right now.
Waiting patiently for 6am to bath and get ready to school.
Or maybe if im too lazy, i would just go back to sleep.
And receive a good nagging from dear mother.
Coz i've been skipping school frequently.
Itu skola Abdul Rahman punye, hahaha.
Okay mepek.

yes, its the same ol' thing all over again,
damn, they're so right, i really have to let go.
coz you will only come to me when you need help in any way.
once again, sorry, but im not an information counter, ty.
conclusion?
I WILL DEFINITELY MOVE ON FOR SURE THIS TIME.
You're just my past, i realised that im just missing the past.
Which no longer means anything to you & to me.
We're both happier with our own life and our partners.
I think too much bout the fun times that i forget those hurtful moments.
if people who had spent years together can move on,
i don't see the reason why i can't, its just four years right?
four freaking looooong years i've wasted, LOL.
okay see? talking craps again, tsk tsk.

Dah i wanna go bath, den slack, den get ready to school.
Chey, step sempat gitu nak slack here slack there.
Ahhh! Go school sia, tak nak tak nak!
Okay still must go, dah i better stop it sia.
Once i start, i can't stop you know.
Hehe.
(:

p/s: i really am better off without you.

2009-07-13T14:58:00.006+08:00

Life is never fair, agree?
The one whom we care so much for,
doesn't care as much as we do.
And the ones that we don't notice at,
care so much, much more than we do.
Life is very complicating at times.

Oh what the hell, now im craving for durian!!
All because of dugong, ish!!
I want durian please? The super sweet one.
The very dark yellow, smooth, soft one, can?
Hehehehe.

And i just read your blog,
Thanks for the two super long and sweet post,
Im sorry that we can't be what you wanted us to be,
But friends are better off than strangers right?
Thanks for being there when i am very down.
You're a nice friend, so let's just stick to that shall we?
AND GO STUDY LAH!! N LEVEL RIGHT?!
(:

And im having my Investigative Practical this thursday.
Where in the world am i suppose to find 3 ikan selar of the SAME WEIGHT!
Oh my god, F&N is such a nuisance to my ass man.
Now i have to drag myself to a nearby supermarket to purchase ikan selar.
Just three pathetic SAME WEIGHT ikan selar lor, tsk.
* roll eyes 360Degress*

You know what, i couldn't sleep yesterday night.
Okay i did sleep but i suddenly work up with a jerk.
I thought i was late for school, but it was only 2am plus.
I tried to sleep again, but i tossed and turned for a long time.
Finally i did manage to get some sleep at 4am plus.
The first dream was very nonsensical, haiya.
The second dream was very fun and not logic at all.
I dreamt that i was in an action packed adventure you know,
Shoot people, Save people, Drive a car, Wear those "tomb raider" clothes.
Wah! Damn shiock, but im glad it was just a movie.
Because i will be the first one to die if its reality.
Why? Firstly, i got no car license, i'll end up crashing.
Secondly, I don't even know how to shoot a gun.
Thirdly, people will end up saving me instead of me saving them.
Coz knowing me, i will just trip and fall eventhough there's no obstacles.
But it was a very fun and exciting dream.
*smile so widely my jaws hurt*

Oh and yesterday watched Bikerz Idol the whole day.
My uncle took part in it, so Mum, Sis and Me went to support.
There's ALOT of malay bikerz, all mat rempit siol.
The bikes are all stacked and it was a very nice view.
They were very supporting as hell, and very gerek audience.
My uncle got to the Semi-Final but not the Final.
I still think his voice is the best, just the wrong selection of song.
Oh and i saw Epul's big brother there, it was expected lah.
And coincidently, their bikerz gang shirt were either Red&Black/White&Black.
And i wore Black jeans & Red Sleeveless Yesterday, Very the typical hor.
They look at me as though im one of them, No No No, im just a good schoolgirl.
Hehehehe,(:

why am i feeling this way?
i need to get this feeling out of my mind.
its not worth it, its not benefiting me in any way.
oh c'mon suzie, you can do better than this.
don't think of someone who is obviously not thinking of you.
why the hell am i still uttering your name?
its already been a year now, just forget him babe.
*shouts out loud*

--
Why must i care about you if you don't.
Why must i text you if you reply with a "okay" or a "haha".
Why must i bother so much when all you do is assume.
Why must i trust so much when you don't.
Why must i spare a though for your feelings when you don't.
Why must i be the one giving in, this is not what i want.
Indeed, i don't want to go back to square one,
To miss someone so much till it hurts.
I've been there, done that, and still am enduring.
I don't wanna face it again, i don't wanna end up wounded.
im sorry to say this; but,
don't and never ask me to choose either one,
coz in the end, i'll choose neither and lose both.

Last but not least, my appetite is coming back!!
I wanna gain weight! I literally look like a skeleton now.
Its nice being slim but not thin!
When i look at my body in the full length mirror, i was shocked.
I even asked sis to take a REALLY good look at my body,
And she agreed that i am getting skinnier.
Maybe you won't see the difference with clothes on,
But only me and sis will know the big change in my body size.
Coz she's the only person who often bath with me.
(okay, information not needed, but seriously im shocked)
I feel very skinny right now, really.
And it feels so wrong coz im suppose to be chubby!
I need food, cravings are coming back again!
Yay!! Who says i need to go to the doctor to get better?
Im already getting better now, due to excessive laughter.
LOL!((:

Last but not least i will say this again,
i HUG my friends coz its just a friendly gesture for me.
So its not an entirely big deal for me to be hugging my friends.
Be it a guy or girl, i know the limitations between friends okay.
So yeah, please don't bring this up again, its unnecessary.
Speaking of hugging, i miss Fariz Fariqzal Mansuri.
That fat neck yet thin body, lol, okay crap.
I need to really focus on my coursework now.
Yes, im multi tasking right now, asal? tak boleh?
Hahaha, okay stop it, bye.

p/s: please tell me there's such a word as BATU KEPALA.
i know there is, this word sounds soo right to me.
(:

2009-07-13T14:00:00.003+08:00

Demi Lovato- Don't Forget.

Did you forget
That I was even alive
Did you forget
Everything we ever had
Did you forget
Did you forget
About me

Did you regret
Ever standing by my side
Did you forget
What we were feeling inside
Now I'm left to forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

So now I guess
This is where we have to stand
Did you regret
Ever holding my hand
Never again
Please don't forget
Don't forget

We had it all
We were just about to fall
Even more in love
Than we were before
I won't forget
I won't forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
At all

And at last
All the pictures have been burned
And all the past
Is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forget
I won't forget us

But somewhere we went wrong
Our love is like a song
But you won't sing along
You've forgotten
About us

i miss you.
i really do.
its really hard to move on.
when everything reminds me of you.
and no one is treating me like you did.
irreplaceable up till now, why can't i let go?
i don't love you no more; but i still miss you.
why can't i just walk away like how u did?
how can u move on and find someone you love deeply?
why can't i just close the chapter and erase you off my mind?
i miss your piggy back rides, i miss your whisperings, i miss your laughter.
i miss getting miss calls and sweet text msgs from you every single day.
ironically, i miss getting cursed and shouted at by you as early as 4am in the morning.
i miss holding your hands and resting my head on your broad shoulder.
i miss laughing at our randomness and i miss you kissing me through the class window.
i miss having someone whom i can go to whenever i need a good laugh/comfort.
i miss the time when i fell sick coz i was missing you so much and you suddenly text me,
you accompanied me to the clinic the next morning and even fed me the medicines.
i swore i fell so much better after i meet you, you're truly my perfect brand of drug.
things always seems so right with you by my side, nothing else matters.
you look past my flaw, my imperfections, my craziness, my mood swings and my crankiness.
even when i burst out crying so badly, you were there to hug me so tightly.
and when im typing this, all those past four years memories came crumbling back.
trust me, i've tried so hard to move on with someone else, but why am i still missing you?
no, i don't miss you as an exboyfriend, i miss you as my bestguyfriend, i miss our friendship.
i miss shouting and yelling at you, i miss running after you, i miss you running after me,
i miss the times you would fetch me from school just to send me back home,
i miss the times i would drop by your place every day from school,
i miss the night when we danced w/o any song, you reluctantly danced with me.
i miss the night we stood under the moonlight and held hands while we make a wish?
Did you know what i wish for? I wish for a long lasting friendship with you.
But i guess you didn't had the same wish, coz my wish didn't come true.
why am i suddenly missing you so damn bad? i feel so pathetic.
coz when im here reminiscing, you've forgotten every single thing.
i need to let go, i need to move on, i need to be strong, i need to stay firm.
its time to let go, its time to erase those years of wasted moments.
you're by far the best damn thing i've ever had in my life,
and you're by far the ONLY guy i hold on to this long,
i've never hold onto someone so long in my life,
but with you, four years going to five years, how could i just forget it all?
ahh, why am i fucking crying right now??
imysmih ):

p/s: ahh!

2009-07-11T23:11:00.004+08:00

Tracy Sayang forced me to do my coursework.
And im very glad that i made an effort to do it.
Despite my coursework being so messed up.
At least i can do my best in Investigative Work.
Im grateful that i have my best girlfriend beside me.
Eventhough she always say "go die lah u! this one also dunno",
But at least she care and will end up teaching me what im clueless about.
On top of that, she even pushed her practical forward,
So that we will be doing on the same day,
Awww, I love Ang Tracy a.k.a My Sayang!
Of coz, i love Ho Hwee Kwan My Darling too.
((:

i don't need anyone to ask me to move on,
i don't need people to tell me what not to do,
i don't need people trying so hard to care,
i don't need people to take advantage of me,
i don't need people to play around with me,
i don't need people screaming/yelling at me,
i don't need people controlling me and my life,
i don't need people boasting off in front of my face,
i don't need people showing off shit in front of me,
and i certainly don't need people who put me down.
im created by god above, i determine my life.
i need to stay strong despite everything.

thanks a bunch fie for always being there for me.
im sorry if i've ever hurt you in any way possible.
you're a good friend, always there when in need.
i would just need to text you and you'll be calling a min later.
i could cry, laugh, be crazy on the phone with you for hours.
and you'll be entertaining me every single day.
even my best friend isn't there when i needed her,
so its a pleasure knowing you, dugong.
(:

Last but not least, im serious when i said my heart is sealed.
You can travel long distance, buy me the most extravagant gift,
But i know the limits of just friends, cross the limits and im done with you.
When i love someone, i will love that person whole heartedly.
Once bitten twice shy can never be applied to me at all.
Coz even when someone that i love hurt me so damn badly again&again,
I will still go back to them despite knowing that i'll get hurt again.
But when i dislike that someone, nothing they do can make my like them.
The ones i truly love the most would always end up hurting me badly.
But the ones i don't always end up treating me so perfectly nice.
Yes, thats life, never fair, Hahaha.
(:

But im certainly am happy with the people around me.
Especially my two bestest girlfriends.
Ang Tracy & Ho Hwee Kwan.
Im so glad to have met them in my life.
They're always there for me,
I love you both, <3

p/s: im sorry for this nonsensical post,
i'll update a proper post soon.

2009-07-11T15:04:00.000+08:00

p/s: overdue pics and yesterday's pic.
(:

2009-07-10T23:34:00.003+08:00

Eventually, in the end, i enjoyed my birthday.
Oh and Pervin gave me a hot dark pink teddy bear.
Another addition to my teddy bear collectibles.
Hahaha, Thankyou. (:

Im still waiting for my treat.
Since sis told me she's bringing me out.
But the sad story is, im still in bad shape.
So im in no mood to eat anything.
The tiramisu cake is damn nice
but i will start gagging when i swallow it.
Haiyo, mcm2 masaalah.

Oh yeah, went to youth gig just now.
I was amazed by the dancers but not the singers.
They are either screaming/yelling/reading or croaking.
I don't get what they're trying to sing, haha.

Yesterday was fun with the capital F.
Okay i was kinda bummed out at first.
Coz i didn't get to enjoy my food at all,
I consume VERY LITTLE food,
coz my stomach reacted so badly.
But we did had laughter along the way.
SL told me that she's sorry that there's no cake.
I was okay with it coz the food was alot already.
Then we were all sitting when she suddenly walk slowly to the table.
She was holding something behind her and i got so excited.
Guess what? She was just holding a bowl of soup, wahh! embarrassed!
Everyone was laughing at me coz my face was so anxious.
But when i was laughing along, the birthday song was suddenly aired on the speakers.
And one by one, they started singing the birthday song.
I thought it was another prank, so i ignored them totally.
BUT then, the waiter came to our table with the cake.
TIRAMISU cake some more!! I was happy beyond words.
Thank you so much bestest friends, i really appreciate it.
((:

So overall, i had alot of fun.
I just wanna get well soon,
Coz im too used to eating alot,
So consuming too little food now makes me uneasy.
Thanks for those who wishes me, appreciate it.
And thanks Nora for the blog post, so sweet.
I will smile at you when i see you at school okay?
Hehe.

My heart's shut for anyone to enter anymore.
I don't need anyone else in my life now.
And studies are my biggest and utmost priority now.
So, stop trying coz i ain't entertaining.
The old suzie has changed, i wont be too naive anymore.
(:

p/s: i wanna go sleep, tired.

2009-07-09T13:26:00.004+08:00

I don't know why but the time is going by so slow.
Im bored, bored to the core at home, on my birthday.
Can someone please come and cheer me up?
Coz i haven't have a proper meal for two days.
I tried eating, but i kept on throwing it out.
My stomach is too delicate and now its empty.
And im having a slight fever right now.
Plus i need to go have my shower coz i need to meet someone.
I need to get rid of this nauseous feeling by 6pm.
Or else i won't get to enjoy the food & my birthday.
Please don't turn out sucky, its sucky enough already.
Two of my bestest pals have YET to wish me you know.
And none of them text me bout the dinner later.
They never even reply my msg la!
And its going to rain soooon,
By 3.30, no text msg by them, im NOT going out.
I hate this!!
:(

-edited-
I just got back from meeting someone.
Thanks for traveling all the way here.
Oh and im so shocked by the present!
Its a new white slim LG handphone!
Oh My Goodness, im sucha lucky bitch.
I got two brand new phone for my birthday.
You shouldn't have bought me that you know.
You've bought me mp4,PSP and now this.
You're pampering me too much, heee.
Thank you so much dear friend, im more than happy.
Thanks for the offer to send me to school tomorrow.
And thanks for being so nice as to give me such gifts.
You're a very nice guy, and a very nice friend.
And i forgot to take a picture of us just now.
(:

p/s: Its alright, Its okay.
Im so much better w/o you.

2009-07-09T08:06:00.005+08:00

Okay i know its still 8.15 in the morning.
And im here updating my blog.
When im suppose to be in school.
Had an excruciating stomach cramp,
And running a slight fever + a scalded tongue.
Plus i feel nauseous, not been eating but vomitting.
But its not gonna stop me from going out today!
Gonna have a feast at Sakura, pray hard i won't vomit it out.
I can't wait to meet my friends later!!
Darling!!! I can't wait to meet you!!!
Sayang, you still haven't wish me you know!
:(

Thanks for all the wishes people,
Some are VERY unexpected indeed.
Dear stranger, thanks for the wishes.
Eventhough you still wanna remain unknown.
And i love both my sisters okay! They are super sweet!
Elder sis, irah, rushed home just to make it by midnight.
And she shouted "happy birthday dik" as soon as she open the door.
I almost jumped out of my skin lah, hahha, i love you sis!
And lil sis sang two versions of the birthday song for me, in english & in chinese.
I love you lil sis despite you annoying me at times, wait, always! haha.
And to someone, you really bring a smile to my face.
I was soo touched and surprised lah, so bad!!
But really, that was very nice of you to call from afar.
And to another someone, eventhough its just a simple birthday text,
It really meant so much to me till tears welled up.
I felt guilty for not wishing you on your birthday due to my ego.
But you wished me early in the morning, i felt so bad.
And i thought it was my playlist when the song "withyou" surfaces.
It was not until the song stopped halfway that i literally ran to my hp.
I miss you so much too, no words can express my feelings.
I hope to meet you someday, don't worry i've moved on.
Im a big girl now, chey, padahal only 17, tsk.
And FARIZ FARIQZAL MANSURI!!
I miss you so much you know!! I waited for your text msg!
I thought you've forgotten bout my birthday, :(
Suddenly, you photo came up the screen lah!! Awww,
Thanks so much for still loving me, i love you big brother, Mwuacks!!
(:

Last but not least, i finally got the phone that i wanted!!
Okay its not really a new release brand but i love the colour.
I've been wanting that phone you know.
Mum came home and told me that the phone is not available.
I was super sad you know, i complain to fie and hazli.
Then suddenly, all of the sudden, she handed me an M1 bag.
I almost shout out loud, its the phone!! THANKS ALOT MUM!!
Eventhough we've been arguing terribly these few days,
You still care and you even bought me a birthday cake.
Which i have yet to cut it and blow the candles.
Tsk, haha.

p/s: i don't care bout the people who didn't bother to remember my birthday.
at least the ones i really care&love, they remember, and that's what matters,
truthfully, that's the best birthday gift i can ever get, thanks((:

2009-07-08T14:19:00.002+08:00

Guess what?
I just took half day from school.
Due to the excruciating cramp pain.
I was literally squatting all over the school.
The pain was unbearable you know.
I text fie and told her everything.
There goes my day, i must recover by tmrw!
The plan was to eat at Sakura but my appetite is very bad.
Nowadays i can go a day without eating, coz i don't feel like eating.
So much for cravings, my stomach can't seem to accept food.
And i've yet to study Chemistry coz i've been absent.
And im not going to Queensway Sec to flash my IC,
Hopefully they will not disqualify my marks, or will they?
How? sob sob.

Oh and thanks so much darling for helping me out just now.
For helping me to carry my heavy schoolbag to and fro.
And thanks a zillion for caring so much about me.
I love you darling HK, you really are a true friend.
Eventhough you always shake me up when i fall asleep in class.
Hehe.
(:

I wanna write more but my cramp is reacting again.
Pain, ouch ouch ouch, i have a very sensitive stomach.
Tsk, i'll update soon, i promise, tomorrow okay?
Haha.

p/s: why?

2009-07-07T20:34:00.002+08:00

i loathe you.
so much i can't express it.
you cause me my childhood & my teenage life.
i dont want anything for my birthday!!
my birthday is gonna be sucky, im sure.
been in buckets full of tears these days.
don't ask why, fuck it.

thanks fie for always being there,
for lending me a listening ear,
you understand me the best,
even better than my own friends?
this is not drama, this is reality.
2009, sucks big time.
ok bye.

p/s: scream all you want,
my emotions and feelings are numb already.

2009-07-06T14:35:00.001+08:00

p/s: very overdue pics.

2009-07-06T13:17:00.002+08:00

It feels so good to just stay home.
The mere thought of going to school weakens my body.
Haha, i dread going to school, seriously.
Plus i need to go to Queensway sec tomorrow.
Pfft.

Yesterday was a wreck.
No one understood what i truly feel.
I was in tears and i feel so frustrated.
Okay, fie will know what i was going through.
Thanks fie, for lending a listening ear, again.
Hehe.

Oh oh oh oh, and i received a very shocking call yesterday night.
Firstly, some unknown number text me, then that number call me.
And guess who? Okay, its one of my friend whom i lost contact with.
I can't believe that he still remember bout me, aww, haha.
Will be meeting him for a very short while this saturday.
(:

Last but not least, im craving for desserts.
I want to eat alot of sweet stuffs, *drooling*
I suddenly crave for sweet desserts,
I don't know why, hehe.

Oh and im slightly disappointed,
I wished you at 1am on your birthday.
And not even a slight "thank you" as a reply.
Ur welcome eh, really.

p/s: no time, zero time for anyone.
busy busy busy with studies.
i won't be updating that much too.
hee.

2009-07-03T23:28:00.003+08:00

I guess this is going to be a very short entry.

Firstly, my school already have one case of H1N1.

And it was a relief that our class was not qurantined.

Because self-studying would not help at all.

Speaking of self studying, i've not been doing sufficient work.

Plus the thought of the maths tuition tmrw send shivers down my spine.

Why? Simply because i can break down in tears of frustration.

Yes, im dead serious, maths is a very emotional & suicidal subject.

Secondly, Malay Oral falls on next tuesday,

Thinking of it itself can make me break down in a nervous fit.

Because im so afraid that i will screw my conversation badly.

Knowing me, i just shoot my mouth without thinking.

Yes, i know, im a genius, hahahahha!

A genius in tripping all over & saying the wrong things at the wrong time.

Hehe.

Thirdly, I feel so lethargic and im having shoulder cramps now.

I didn't get to rest at all coz i rush back home, bath and get ready.

Luckily, i decided to head back way early as i was too vexed to carry on.

Phew.

My shoulder and neck are acting up on me,

I better stop now before my veins go haywire.

Hahah, i sound so dramatic lah pls.

p/s: no matter what precaution there is,

accidents, death, diseases are bound to happen,

its god's will, die or alive is in god's hands.

right? yes? of coz im right.

Oh holy cow, im gibbering rubbish again.

TSK!

2009-06-28T02:09:00.002+08:00

Okay, im finally here to update.
I was and i am planning on closing this blog.
But one by one, people are asking me to update.
So here i am, but its gonna be a brief re-cap.
Life is pretty much mundane for me.
I've been rotting at home,
Knowing me, im too lazy to go out.
Mum allow me to go out and stuffs,
But whenever its time to get ready,
The laziness crept in and i end up slacking.
Thanks a million for coming here all the way from bedok.
Just because i was too lazy to travel all the way day.
I know, im such a lazy bum, my bad.
(:

Hmm, let's see.
Watched ghost of girlfriend past with sis.
And she had to literally forced me to go.
And i was whining coz i was too lazy to go out.
But the day was well spent despite my laziness.
Oh and i finally had my doughnuts & pretzel!! Yay!
The movies was average, coz the storyline was predictable.
I just like how the show really shows what a shithead a guy could be.
That guy sleep around, don't even care bout the other party's feelings.
Lust can never over-rule love, without love, lust is just a temporary affection.
Right? Hehe.

And i just had family dinner just now.
And again, mum kept on emphasizing that's its family dinner.
So die-die, i have to go and i can give NO reasons.
And guess what? I don't regret going at all.
Eventhough its the "step-family" side, i enjoyed the food.
It was at West Coast's Sakura, the biggest sakura outlet.
I ate ALOT despite being small sized, and im still small. TSK!
Oh and i didn't get to eat the ice cream you know!! :(
But i did had TEN cubes of cakes, TWO mochi, THREE puddings,
ONE grilled salmon(fav!!), FOUR sushi, FOUR sticks of satay,
A BIG plate of mee+small dishes
( i swear the seaweed, mango shrimp & marinated octopus was a disaster!! yuck!!),
Oh yeah, and not forgetting i had a plate of fruits after all that.
Water? I only had a glass of lemonade and coke, i eat MORE than i drink.
Dehydrated sia if i were to keep on eating like that.
But overall, it was a nice dinner BUT im STILL HUNGRY NOW!!
Im going to eat the fried rice in the kitchen and cook myself tom yam maggie.
(:

And people, once i've started schooling NO MORE asking me out.
Im NOT gonna go out unless its a VERY important occasion.
Coz i need and i have to study for my exams PLUS my
saturdays are burned coz i already have maths tuition, yay!((:
And i will decline to meet those who LOVE to cancel out last min plans.
I don't wanna end up agitated coz of something that didn't work out.
Thank you very much, Hee(:

And i just realised that MONDAY is the reopening of school.
*bangs head onto the computer screen*
I don't know where i've stored my books, notes, etc.
Im gonna be dead meat, and guess what?
I have NO calculator!! Yes, i really don't, pathetic much.

And mum's gonna get me a new phone on my bday!
The phone that i've been eyeing for so long.
The brand is not that WOW, but i love the colour.
But the bad news is, i will lose all my past msgs.
The msgs from precious people, sobsob.
Hopefully i'll get to keep my current phone.
Coz NO WAY am i gonna lose all the past msgs.
It means so much to me you know.
((:

And last but not least,
Im sorry but my heart is officially sealed tight.
Friendships are okay but Relationship?
I've promised myself, no relationship for now.
Not until im 101% totally over him.
Plus all the guys i get are.. well, erm,
Let's just say things always ended up badly.
So, no more, enough okay.
Studies & Bestest friends are my priority now.
Right Darling? Right Sayang?
Hee.
(:

Oh and please to YOU,
Im begging you, don't ever punch my number again.
Im still struggling and trying my best to move on,
But whenever people mentioned your name,
My hear still skip a beat and i will start missing you.
Why did you even bother to suddenly text me.
What with the "zie, i miss you" and
"to tell you the truth, i just dont wanna lose you".
Why must i be the one in tears when you're in her arms??
Why must i be the one hurting while you're enjoying?
Why say all those when its so clear that you love her whole-heartedly?
Thanks but no thanks, i've enough of your craps.
Please don't ever dial my number, i'll be fine as time goes by.
Im starting afresh, so don't ruin things by appearing again.
(:

p/s: its 2.56am in the morning and suzie is hungry.
and suzie miss darling hweekwan and tracy sayang!
wahlao!!

2009-06-22T00:22:00.004+08:00

I've enough of drama and shits.

I live my life not to entertain drama.
Not to be someone's "lahabau".
Not to be taken advantage of.
And obviously, not to be treated so badly.
Enough of domestic violence, im fragile.
Again im gonna say that patience have its limits.
I don't feel like going to school anymore,
And even to study, the passion ain't longer there.
I don't feel like going out anymore, plans ALWAYS crashed.
I trust NO ONE, coz even your closest friend betrays you.
I put NO HOPE on anyone, coz even you loved ones hurt you.
And last but not least, i put NO FAITH in anyone coz it will be the same ending.
Im done here, if you think im being ridiculous, so be it.
I won't update for the time being, i'll be at my private blog.
You know where to find me if u NEED me, good bye.

p/s: and i miss you terribly;
i really really do.

2009-06-18T12:34:00.003+08:00

Im back from my dad's place.
Its suppose to be tomorrow night.
But dad went to malaysia yesterday night,
So i called mum up to fetch me home.
But as soon as i hung up the phone with my mum,
I felt my heart dropped, literally.

I felt so hesitant to pack up my stuffs.
I kept on looking at my dad's face.
I don't know why i felt so sad.
A part of me still wants to stay put.
But reality check, i have to go home.
I'll miss my dad so much,
im already missing him now.
)':

When i woke up this morning,
my heart sank when i realize im at Jurong.
Eventhough the stay at dad's place is only a week,
I felt so attached to him, i spend most of my time with him.
I did plan on going out with friends/loved ones,
But i decided to spend quality time with my dad.
We went durian hunting in a forest till 6am.
We went malaysia and i became the cashier
at his shop and help him out with his shop.
We went to the village side and spend the night laughing.
We went to the wet market together, shared a burger together.
We laugh so loud when he ran from a gorilla that chased him.
We ended up sleeping at the living room's carpet,
Coz we fell asleep while watching the dvd.
I woke up early in the morning just to go to the market
and buy stuffs to make banana fritters for breakfast so
you can have them before going to work.
I miss cooking with him late at night.
I'll miss the time i held your hands coz i was afraid of the dark.
I miss resting on your shoulder when i was dead tired.
My tears are welling while im typing this.
I cried when i was on the way back home yesterday.
I cried when i was falling asleep coz i miss my dad so much.
I know, its not as though i can't meet him anymore.
But the feeling of not getting to meet him every day,
And the feeling of not getting to spend time w him,
It really shatters my heart, i love you daddy.
(:

Okay, let's talk bout other stuffs.
Past few days spent time with Ho Hwee Kwan.
Sleepover at her place and she kicked me off the mattress!
Tuesday went to sentosa with Melvin and Co.
It didn't go as planned, alot of stuffs happened to me that day.
I lost my money, we reached there at night, i caught a flu.
And yesterday i had plans with two person, yes, TWO.
But BOTH person cancelled out on me at the VERY LAST MINUTE.
I won't and never will make any plans anymore, fullstop.

Last but not least, went to henderson waves last wednesday.
Had study session for maths, but i took pics more than i study.
I laugh and talk more than doing my work.
Nevertheless, i had alot of fun despite the long walk back.
Haha.

p/s: i've given up all hope,
im starting afresh.
(:

2009-06-18T11:05:00.004+08:00

Definition of a TRUE friend:
A TRUE friend accepts me for who i am.
She won't care what i've done or what wrong i've made.
A TRUE friend won't judge me based on my faults/wrongs.
A TRUE friend won't back stabbed me and won't left me hanging.
A TRUE friend is always there to back me up through whatever.
A TRUE friend won't cancel plans LAST MINUTE!!
A TRUE friend would be more than glad to be there for me.
A TRUE friend is someone whom make me happy instead of vice versa.
A TRUE friend is someone whose trustworthy and never spill the beans.
A TRUE friend is someone who could rush back home just to meet me.
A TRUE friend is someone who think of my feelings.
And im glad that i've met someone whom i can really look up to.
Its not how LONG you know a person, its how PRECIOUS the times spent are.
And Ho Hwee Kwan really made me a happy person despite all the setbacks i had.
And for now, she's the ONLY person i would turn to when im down.
I can only TRUST her, and ONLY her for now, seriously.
(:

Yes, i admit i did made a few terrible mistakes.
Mistakes that nothing i do can undo what i did.
A big sin? Yes, but i've repent, and i really do.
It was my mistake but i didn't do it willingly.
So what's the big idea? Its my life right?
Why can't you stop being self-centered and stop being egoistic?
Why can't you just take a step back and reflect on yourself?
Closed ones know bout it, and they can still accept me.
Coz they know what's the actual reason is, ya' know.
I swear, i won't let myself be hurt by you & your actions any longer.
2 years plus of being a "lahabau" is more than enough.
The time length was great but the hurt? No one knows.
Coz i don't understand it at all, you treat me so badly.
While you treat the others so great, what's up with that?
Oh, maybe because i'm not UP TO YOUR STANDARD?
I don't care, i won't make any plans concerning you anymore.
And mark my words, i won't.
(:

p/s: Difference with friends and significant other?
Friends stick by you through it all.
Significant other is not a guranteed "forever".

2009-06-09T17:42:00.002+08:00

In less than 5hours, i'll be at dad's place.
I won't be updating my blog till im back here.
Since there's no computer/laptop/notebook at dad's place.
Its better than being here at this very moment.
This house is getting more & more chaotic, i hate it.
The longer the stay at my dad's place, the better.
Plus, its just a block away from HweeKwan's place.
Hehe!

And i miss you, i miss your text msgs.
I always look forward for your sms-s on midnight.
I will always smile whenever we're sms-ing.
But i no longer see your name on my phone screen.
Nevertheless, i still do miss you, never did change.
Oh wells, im gonna let go of everything soon.
Its holidays, im gonna let it all out.
Then must proceed to hardcore studying.
((:

Last but not least, i never understood the term "family".
Coz i never had a really close bond with my family.
I wasn't brought up by my own family,
And now, im not even in a complete family.
Foster family, Step family, Biological family, u name it.
I've been through it all, & all kinds of abuses.
Mental abuse, Physical abuse, Sexual Harassment.
You may THINK you know what im going through,
but THINK again, you're far away from what you think you know.
Yeah, people may go through a way rougher life path than i do.
But heck, its my life im talking about not others.
Its never easy to put the past behind coz u have to face it,
Its the past that made us what we are now.
I hate most of the people i've met throughout my life,
They are either hypocrites, show offs, perverts, control freaks, etc.
I hate my childhood, i hate my teenage life,
and i do hope i won't end up hating my adulthood too.

I've planned on spending a night alone at henderson waves.
Calm myself down and just put everything aside.
I like to be alone when my mind's filled with thoughts.
And yes, i will be alone for one night, just one night.
Hopefully, i'll come back home feeling much better.
Well, at least before she come back here and screw things up.
Then? I go mount faber/labrador park/botanical garden.
Spend the night alone again&again, biler nak game eh?
Gonna end it when i really see that white long hair woman,
Then i know what's "taking some fresh air" really likes.
Limit2 i will smell the fragrant smell of flowers.
Ahhh, okay my mind's getting sidetracked already.
Im talking way out of line, and i need to stop being lame now.

*stomach growling*
Okay now im hungry.
I wanna eat, oh wait, i want choc ice blend.
Okay i wanna go buy choc ice blend.
Miss me when im gone okay?
Tak jauh, kat tanglin, singapore jugak.
Not like someone, at bangkok!
Hahahahah.
Okay im getting lame again.
Waduuuh, i need to stop typing right this instant.
Okay i will miss blogging & chatting.
You know where to find me right?
*beep... beep*
Yes, through my handphone pls.

p/s: patience is a virtue,
but my patience isn't paying off.

2009-06-08T15:45:00.002+08:00

I hate yesterday.
I cried buckets full of tears.
One after another, when will it end?
Firstly, the family car caught with an incident.
A taxi rammed on the left side of the car.
The impact was very hard till i bumped my head so hard.
Unfortunately, me and irah was sitting at the left side of the car.
Experiencing headaches plus migraine, shit.
Thanks a few for caring, especially HweeKwan and you.
Eventhough its just a slight incident, the both of you care.
And to you, i was surprised that u text and actually called me.
You really made me smile despite the incident.
(:

And on saturday night, someone suddenly text.
I was looking at the moon and
suddenly the thought of you pop out.
Then my phone vibrate and i click on the msg.
When i saw your name, i literally slapped my face.
I wanted to know if its a dream of if its real.
And its for real, i call you up to make sure.
And your voice really did surface at the other line.
I only felt suprised, but nothing more than that.
Im convinced now, you no longer mean anything to me.
You miss me? I guess you're just high/bored/sleepy.
The words you said didn't register into my heart/brain at all.
Better luck next time dude, coz im way over you.
Four years of torture is enough for me, ty very much.
Haha.

Next, is the terribly bad news.
I cried and cried and cried and cried.
Sis tried to comfort me, but i can't help it.
HweeKwan called me and tried to comfort me.
But after we hung up, i kept on crying.
Why must this family have one problem after another??
And i swear the look of mum's face was priceless when
i said "kalau adik takleh tahan, adik pergi rumah papa!"
And trust me, if i really can't take it any longer,
I'll pack my stuffs and move out to dad's place, PERMANATELY.
I've tolerated ENOUGH SHIT, ENOUGH ACCUSATIONS,
Im not the one doing all the shits, but in the end im the one to blame.
Im not involved in any way, but i had to carry all the responsibilities.
Have you ever tried dealing with a TWO HEADED SNAKE?!
Its as though you're leaving in a real-life drama.
You don't know how i feel coz you're not experiencing it!
Step dad even had the nerve to say "asl plak die nangis?"
EH FUCK! You're not experiencing what i went through!
KAU SENANG2 AH BLEH BBL CAM GITU!
DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT'S HER TRUE COLOURS!?
FINE, SHE'S YOUR OWN BLOOD, SO WHAT??
Im your wife's own blood daughter too, and guess what?
She can end up losing me just bcoz of your own blood daughter.
I can be very selfish coz wtf, being nice does not pay off at all.
And step dad, just so you know, i hate you & i will always do.
You've done alot of multiple stuffs to make me hate you more.

And tomorrow night, i will be going to dad's place.
Its suppose to be wednesday but i push it forward.
I can't stay in this house any longer, seriously.
I've already packed all my stuffs, i can't wait.

p/s: i don't, i won't and i will never care.
do as you damn please, i've wash my hands off everything.

2009-06-04T17:23:00.002+08:00

I had a super duper fun time with Tracy, HweeKwan & Melvin.
I reached school only after the remedial has ended, dumbass, i know.
Then they decided to grab a bite at Queensway, so i tagged along.
Walk around Qnsway & Ikea and i swear it was fun.
I have so many things in mind for the upcoming outing.
(:

Oh and im praying hard that im gonna get well soon.
Im currently having sore/swollen gum, sore throat, ulcer.
And tell me these aren't signs of any sickness!
Okay im out of words, my mind's totally blank.

p/s: im taking back my love,
i've given you too much.

2009-06-04T02:28:00.002+08:00

I miss you, i really do.
Even a simple msg from you can make me smile so widely.
Even a simple "hi" can make my heart throb so badly.
I don't care what people say bout you, you're perfect to me.
You're the guy whom treat me the nicest, im grateful to know you.
July, it will determine everything,
even if it doesn't turn out the way i want it to.
I'll go on with life with no regrets whatsoever, coz i've let it all out.
Just so you know, i'll let go if i hear it from you own mouth.
It'll take ages, forever to forget someone like you.
But at least looking back,
i can be thankful that i've met someone like you.
Im patiently hoping for the best.
(:

Its 2.45am now, and im still awake.
I need to get ready for school in less than 5 hours.
I need to reach school by 7am SHARP!
Wah, die die die!

Oh and IM GOING TO DAD'S PLACE NEXT WEEK!
I miss you daddy, i can't wait to go over there.
One whole week sleeping over at dad's place.
So im not gonna be active from next thursday-nextnext thursday.
Wahh, im so excited that im counting to days to go there.
Coz im going Malaysia with daddy on friday-sunday.
Its not on a leisure trip, coz daddy has to run a business there.
But so long as i can spend quality time with him, im happy.
I love my super macho handsome charming father!
I love you lah Abdul Rahman Bin Nani!<3

And i just had a long convo with Hazli earlier.
Im so glad we've settled things out.
At last, i know what really happened
Sorry for blaming you all these while.
Its partly my fault for listening to other ppl.
But its okay, everything happens for a reason right?
Cheer up and don't dwell on it too much okay?
Im still here for you lah eh shrimp! *you know i know*
If she's meant to be with you, then you will get her back.
Don't end up with a thailand girl lah you!
Hee(:

Las but not least, i am suffering from a swollen gum & a HUGE ulcer.
I can't eat, talk, ,laugh, smile or even drink properly.
When i laugh or smile, i need to twitch my lips sideways.
And i seriously look as though im suffering from a stroke.
Which i hope people won't crack me up at this period of time!
Oh and i was FORCED to rinse my mouth with SALT WATER!
Imagine the pain! Wahh, i was shrieking the whole time.
Salt + Wound/Ulcer/Swollen Gum = PAIN!
PAIN IS NOT PLEASURE when it comes to this okay!
GO AWAY LAH ULCER, I CAN'T STAND THE PAIN!
)):

oh and im very disappointed in you.
i've found out the truth, everything.
i won't be mad at you coz everything is way over.
but i can't believe what a filthy goddamn pretender you are.
if i can give you an award, its an award for No.1 best actress.
this is not the first, second, third nor fourth time.
its countless of times & i dunno why im still so patient.
i trusted you, you betrayed my trust over&over again.
if thats what a definition of a friend is, then i don't need a friend.
i don't deserve all this after all that i've done for you.
enough is enough.

p/s: CAN'T THE WEATHER BE MORE COOLING?!
ITS TOO HOT TO EVEN GO OUT!!
Hahaha.

2009-06-01T22:59:00.007+08:00

At last, Malay Paper 1&2 is over and done with.
And im certain that the distinction is far from my reach.
Paper 1 was done really badly, i was very indecisive.
I wasted almost half an hour just to decide on a qns.
Paper 2 was slightly okay, except for a few words.
And the Section C qns were very confusing.
I really don't want to re-take the paper again.
I want to get it over and done with.
*cross fingers*

Anyway, im going to sleepover at dad's place!!
Third week of june, im gonna enjoy myself.
PLUS im going to Malaysia with daddy!
But to think of it again, im afraid of the swine flu.
So how?
):

I watched Suci yesterday at Opah's place.
And Disc 47 really makes me cry a river.
The sequence of the drama really reminds me of someone.
They slow-danced, stand under the full moon
and close their eyes to make a wish.
It happened to me and him just last december.
I didn't saw it coming, i didn't thought that i would burst out crying.
It happened so suddenly, i was in tears and shuddering so badly.
Azri and my sis looked at me with a confused look.
Sis knew bout it and she just left me to cool down.
After being so down and upset, i bounced back.
Why? Coz Azri bought Pizza and Sis bought Bubble tea for everyone!
I enjoyed my Sunday! Thanks to both of them.
Hehe.

Oh and im very irritated with my mouth.
I have a very swollen gum and a
huge ulcer on the left side of my mouth.
And a slightly small ulcer on both my upper lips
and lower right side of my mouth.
I can hardly even eat, talk, smile or even laugh.
Mum asked me to rinse my mouth constantly with Listerine.
You could just imagine the unbearable pain i had to endure.
Absolutely torturing.

Yesterday night i didn't get a good sleep.
I woke up every one hour in between my sleep.
Reason? To reply someone's text msgs.
I vowed to myself that im gonna tell him
everything on our birthday next month.
But ONLY if i received a text msg from him by midnight yesterday.
But i fell asleep at 11plus and was awaken by my msg tone at 12.35pm.
I awoken from my sleep and i literally jumped out off the bed.
Rushed to my side table and smiled widely
when i saw his name on my phone.
(:

Fyi, to this certain someone.
Don't implicate people when you're the one in the hot soup!
What did i fucking do to deserve all this shit??
I covered up your ass, i keep your deepest secrets,
What do hell do you give me in return? BETRAYAL!
Why do you bloody hell need to bring it up?
Why must you mention my name bitch?
Do you know how badly it could affect my life?
Its your life if you wanna live it in a sluttish manner.
I have my pride, im turning into a new leaf.
I did went astray for that moment of time,
I was stupid and naive for misleading myself,
my life just because a guy whom i looked upon to left me so terribly.
But i've changed tremendously, i learned from my mistake.
Im just not satisfied that you would even utter my name.
A stabbed in the back is very painful, very hurtful.
I'll never ever trust a person so easily in my life, again.
You can be a minah and ruin your life all you want.
Im not a minah, and i don't wanna ruin my life.
I have a bright future ahead of me, guys are secondary.
NEVER EVER TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY SILENCE!
Im utterly and horribly disappointed in you.
A person with a high maturity level will never do what you did.
It reflects alot on your maturity level, seriously.
Im not saying that im any better than you,
But at least im not a two-headed snake!

Enough of unhappy stuffs.
I need to have an early sleep.
Chem remedial tomorrow.
Good Night!

p/s: mum cooked my favourite dish,
but i have difficulty eating, sob sob. *sad face*

2009-05-28T18:05:00.004+08:00

i want McSpicy.
i want Tiramisu.
i want Famous Amos.
i want claypot mee from that stall.
i want JD with coke very badly now.
i want Zinger Burger with cheese.
i want cadbury milk chocolate.
i want aunt anne's pretzels.
i want nasi ayam penyet.
i want fish&co/choc fondue.
i want creme brulee and souffle.
i want chocolate waffle from dawson.
i want cold coke and HL chocolate milk.
i want green tea, pink dolphin & iced milo.
i want to go to the zoo and night safari.
i want to go to science centre/discovery centre/snow city.
i want to go to escape theme park/sunway lagoon.
i want to go to batam with my family during the holidays.
i want to go watch suci, grandma had me addicted to it.
i want people to STOP asking me bout that matrep/guyfriend of mine.
im way over him, all these while i just miss him as a friend.
he can enjoy all he wants, throw away his future just like that, idc!
i want to cook ayam lemak cili padi or maybe ayam merah?
i want a new phone on my birthday, that light pink colour phone.
i want to study for my malay but im just plain lazy.
i want alot of things, im indecisive of alot of thing.
but most of all, what i really want is you.
oh and also to pass my Olevel with flying colours, ohh yeahh!
(:

MALAY LESSON WAS A BLAST TODAY!
LIKE, FINALLY I ENJOY MALAY CLASS!
And its obviously because it was being
conducted by my favourite teacher, Cikgu Rosza!
I know i've disappointed her in many ways,
especially in malay dance and complaints from Cikgu Inah.
I look upon Cikgu Rosza as my pillar of strength the moment
i got to know her when she first join queenstown sec as a teacher.
And my respect towards her never changes until now,
She's the most GEREK teacher i ever knew.
And she also brings back my self-esteem and confidence.
I truly respect her alot, and im gonna obtain that distinction.
And if i achieve that, its partly because of her support.
Insya-allah.
((:

p/s: regretting something that's already done is worthless,
learn something from it and change for the better.
and thats worth it, rather than just dwell on it, right?
okay im talking crap again, i wanna go eat, bye!

2009-05-27T14:43:00.005+08:00

i miss this irritating assclown brother of mine, grr.
(:

AND IM STILL CRAVING FOR TIRAMISU!
Its funny how i hate cheesecakes but i love tiramisu.
Only the tiramisu that is made of mascapone(sp?) cheese.
Hehe.

Okay im just plain bored at home, hence this lame post.
I've not been to school for two days, LAZY!
I don't want to go to school tomorrow!
But i have to, Malay revision is a must.
Haiyaaaaaaaa!

And sorry to those that i didn't rply their msgs/calls.
Im just super lazy to type/talk on the phone nowadays.
I know im a lazybum, but, i can't help it laa.
June holidays faster come!
Oh shoot, i haven't start saving!
Hopefully mum & dad would give me some $,
I desperately need it to buy some things.
((((:

p/s: i wanna go eat ah, hungry!
*stomach growling*

2009-05-26T14:59:00.005+08:00

First of all, im very bored at home.
There's no school today, and i end up babysitting lil sis.
She's watching cartoons while im busy blogging.
Step sis and Elder sis are at school, ahh, boredome.
Anyway, HAPPY 36TH BIRTHDAY MUM!
Hope you liked the surprise b'day cake and my card.
i love you<3
(:

A few more days to June holidays!!
But sadly, i only have two weeks of holidays.
The first two weeks are packed with remedials.
All gear up for upcoming Olevels, haha.
Right, i've yet to revise my malay.
And the paper is on 1st June.
Im screwed, im dead meat.
Best of luck suzie, Hehe.

I wanna watch Hannah Montana the movie.
But its taking so long to release.
18 June, faster come! I can't wait.
Oh im freaking craving for tiramisu and traditional popiah!
Gluttony, yeah, im known for eating more than my friends.
But somehow, food attracts me, oh wells, (:

These few days, im very happy with friends around me.
Friends are the best of the best, laughing pills.
They are there whenever i need them the most.
Up till now, they're only two guys whom i've cared so much for.
One is my best friend cum schoolmate/classmate cum exboyfriend.
The other one is my exboyfriend whom i respect the most.
These two guys, no one has ever managed to replace them in my heart.
They really changed me and make it possible for me to love.
Love in a friendship and Love in a relationship.
A friendship between a guy&girl that developed through time.
A love between two person that went through alot of obstacles.
Im sorry for ranting too much today, but i just have to.
I want to lift this heavy feeling of misses from my chest.
So bear with me alright?
(:

It all started during my sec two year, which is 2006.
How we got to know each other was funny.
We were in contact since the last few months of 2005.
But we ended up being very close, on-off.
We went to school together, meeting at commonwealth bus stop.
At first, we were friends, as im your confide partner.
But then, all my patience paid off, patiently waiting for you.
We got together on the 26.02.06, i still remember it.
How can i forget someone who made me very happy?
The moment you stepped into my life, everything seems right.
We went through ALOT of hardships & obstacles together.
A year of being together, but the obstacles were painful.
The people in school didn't approve of me being with you.
They taunt you, they mocked you, they even criticize you.
I remember they called you "dahi cap nonok" and "man dong".
I was so pissed that i stood up in the bus full of people
and shouted at them for mocking you, i defended you.
You pulled my hands and asked me to sit & ignore them.
I remember us, having a conflict and i went off with my friends.
You text me and told me to alight at commonwealth mrt.
You stood at the bus stop waiting for me, and we walk in silent.
When i walked away from you, in tears, you chased me across the road.
I will NEVER EVER forget that feeling when i felt your hands on my shoulder.
And the day when you called me to look out my kitchen window,
I saw you walking across the road while talking with you on the phone.
I remember the times when we had an argument,
You would come up to my class and apologize to me during your recess period.
I remember the day when we were both late for school,
Mr Singh instructed us to pick the the rubbish with a tong and trash bag.
I hold the trash bag and you hold the tongs, we pick up the rubbish hand-in-hand.
Mr Singh didn't even mind us holding hands while doing the punishment.
Everyone in school knows about us, even the teachers.
I even remember you phone got confiscated coz you were texting me.
But when you told the teacher you were texting me coz of an argument,
The teacher looked at me from across the canteen and gave you back your phone.
I remember the time i went through your notes in your file,
And i found a piece of fullscap filled with my name scribbled all over.
I remember founding out about you illness, brain tumor.
I rushed to the hospital right away, you don't know how worried i am.
When i saw you unconscious and when i gaze at your pale face through the glass mirror,
You don't know how badly my heart was aching.
At the hospital, i suddenly remembered the time i was hospitalised.
It was because i had to undergo ear surgery, and you were there for me.
I text you and asked you to accompany me coz i was all alone,
And you willingly left your friends behind at town and rushed to the hospital.
I was so touched that you accompanied me till visiting hours end.
If i were to continue writing about us, it will never end.
But indeed, you showed me what patience is all about.
Its a pity that we didn't work out, stay healthy & take good care of your health!
(:

During 2005,2007,2008 and the first few months of 2009.
I spend my happy moments with someone i once called my "bestie".
We were once in a BGR on the first month of 2005, but we were too immature.
Then we got back together on 15.08.05, but it only lasted for a month or so.
We then became mere classmates for the whole of 2006,
You had your significant other, and i had mine, we were happy with them.
Then 2007 came, i was single and you had conflicts with your gf.
I stood by you during you darkest moment, despite what people said.
Your gf text me, curse me, brought me down, mocked me, etc.
I was always in tears, but i preserver coz you were my friend.
By the time it was around mid of 2007, we were VERY close.
You broke off with her, but you went to other girls.
One by one, on and off you were mingling with too many girls.
I tried to get away and stay out of your life, but you kept coming back.
You will find me whenever you're in a trouble/sad state.
I will readily agree to help you and be by your side, & i never fail to do so.
Then december came, and i ended up being super close with your twin brother.
We were so close, we hung out, we even went home together after school, etc.
You and I drifted apart, I ignored your msgs, calls, etc.
And that's when you came confessing to me.
I remember clearly, you said "i felt so different w/o you".
In the end, your twin brother gave way to you and
we ended up patching back,14.02.08.
Things were weird at first coz i was awkward being with you,
when i was supposed to be with your twin brother and
the fact that we were once the BEST OF FRIENDS.
But slowly, as time flew by, the love grew.
So deeply that i was so attached to you.
Being in the same school brings me even closer to you.
Every morning i would go to your house first
before heading to school together.
After school we would hung out before heading home.
At times, you would even send me back home and
likewise sometimes i would send you home too.
We were very comfortable with each other,
Our flaw, our goofiness, our best & worst days.
I even celebrated your birthday with your family last year.
Sadly, we broke off coz of a third party.
It does hurt to see you&her in school everyday.
What makes her so much better than me? I don't know.
But during our graduation day, things started to perk up.
And i remember 31st December 2008, it was my happiest moment.
We went to henderson waves and then walk around Telok Blangah.
Sat down at this isolated place, and we even
dance to the "can i have this dance" song theme.
We stood at the side of the road, holding hands.
And we made a wish upon a star while gazing at each other's eyes.
It was a very memorable day of tears, laughter and deep conversation.
I was in tears when it was time to go home, i hug you so tightly.
Coz the end of 2008, marks the year of our last year in school together.
We promised each other to stay by each other side no matter what.
You did accompanied me to the clinic on february 2009.
I fell sick coz i miss you so much, and we spend time together.
Even though its just you feeding me medicines, im contented.
You told me "you're the right girl for me, i was so stupid to let you go!",
You even whispered "i miss you" the way we always did.
But too bad, third party came along halfway, yet AGAIN.
This shows that we're just meant to be BEST FRIENDS.
And frankly speaking, i'd rather be your BESTFRIEND than GIRLFRIEND.
Im more comfortable and more happier that way.
I'll always remember the time you said "i miss you" and kissed my forehead.
Even though we're no longer in contact anymore,
I'll never forget that i once had a guy friend like you.
Be happy with your current gf, i know you love her alot.
(:

I've finally let out everything that's in my chest.
I feel so much better as my tears dripped down.
I miss these two guys alot, as a friend & ex-girlfriend.
One is my bestest friend & the other my bestest exboyfriend.
Up till now, no one and i mean NO ONE has ever replaced them.
And im sure it will take a long time to fully erased them from my memory.
Its the past that makes the future worthwhile.
Haha.

Anyway, its so hot right now.
Eventhough it rained heavily just now.
Its still as hot as ever!
I need to switch on the air-con already.
Grr.

Last but not least,
SCHOOL HOLIDAYS FASTER COME!!
I'M SO LAZY TO WAKE UP EARLY IN THE MORNING!
Okay, nonsense, i know, hehe.
Im waiting patiently for my sis to come back home.
She just called me and told me that she just
bought chocolate souffle, YUMMY!
(:

p/s: why does it looks so easy to get into a poly/jc,
when its so difficult to even obtain a pass for the subjs.
*bangs head into the computer screen*

2009-05-19T16:47:00.005+08:00

Finally, Mid Years are over baybeh!
But the results i got was disastrous.
I think i failed every single one of my subj.
I studied, i really did, but i guess its not sufficient enough.
I studied the way i studied for my Ns, but its not the same.
Screw Mid Years!! Its Prelims im gonna buck up on.
Look on the bright side baybeh!
((:

Anyways, sunday was a blast!
Celebrated SL's Advanced Seventeen Birthday.
At first, i texted her telling her that i couldn't make it.
She was utterly disappointed, and she kept on calling me.
I told her firmly that my mum didn't allow me to go.
Then she stopped calling and didn't reply my text.
Then i quickly headed to Great World with HK and Cui Min.
Took the birthday cake and hurried to Cineleisure.
They were already in the room, so i lighted the candles outside.
The look on SL's face was priceless, she was so shocked.
And very touched till she ended up crying, awww.
It was all worth it in the end, I LOVE YOU SISTER LURP!
Camwhore, Movie session, Talk&Laugh till 11plus.
Reached home at 12+ and i really enjoyed myself.
((:

Speaking of holidays, i can't wait for it.
Alot of plans, especially the sleepover at dad's place.
Im gonna have fun, im gonna enjoy myself.
Even if mum disapprove of me sleeping over at dad's,
I will still go! Its my holidays, don't stop me.
Im gonna be very bitchy if she does that.
Hmph.

Oh yeah, im very lethargic nowadays.
And i even skipped school today,
Just to sleep a little longer, till 10+am.
Woke up, went to the wet market and bought some ingredients.
I am a very good girl today, i cooked for the family.
Rendang Chicken, Yummy! (:

on the other hand, im so confused.
when the clock strikes 12, its gonna be your birthday.
everyone is asking me not to text you/wish you.
my heart really urges me to text you, but my head don't.
i've been wishing you for the past few years.
and this time round, its gonna be so different.
everyone knows how much you mean to me.
you're by far, the ONLY person i've loved this much.
you're the ONLY person i've tolerated so much.
no matter what, either of us will come back to each other.
but 2009 marks the year of us really going our own ways.
nothing last forever, letting go hurts but i just have to.
i miss you up till now, i really can't bear to face the reality.
but loving someone is to see them happy, im happy when you're happy.
-im taking back my love, i've given you too much-
i miss you terribly for the past few months, i really do )':

p/s: friends are my utmost priority now.
(:

2009-05-15T23:46:00.002+08:00

At last! MYE is over and done with!
I know damn well that im gonna flunk it real bad.
But im bucking up real bad for prelims & the actual exam itself.
I don't wanna waste a whole year by getting a disappointing cert.
Im gonna prove to people that im not a "good-for-nothing"
(:

AND FINALLY! THE "DUNG DUNG CHENG" IS OVER!!
Peaceful evenings & nights for me from now on, amin.
Oh yeah, let's have a brief talk about yesterday.
It was a tear jerking moment, i was overcome with bitterness.
Nope, i didn't watch any sad movies, etc.
But i just can't help being utterly disappointed.
Im trying my utmost best to not put anyone in trouble.
Covering up people's mistakes one by one, in the end?
I got the blame, i got the lectures, the scoldings, everything.
I was in tears partly because im not at fault, but yet......
I know why u did all those mum, i know why you're acting this way.
But its very hurtful when you don't even trust your own daughter.
I KNOW WHAT'S RIGHT AND WHAT'S WRONG!
I NEITHER TAKE NOR DO STUPID STUFFS ANYMORE.
I'VE LEARN FROM PAST MISTAKES, FULL STOP!
Enough said.

Seriously, 2009 is definitely not the year for me.
One bad thing after another, things has been going haywire.
I've turn from good to bad to worst, utterly helpless.
I've done things i've regretted, i've done things thats irreversible.
I've lost people whose precious to me, i've been pushing people aside.
Karma's been acting up one me, harshly and painfully.
I want 2009 to end real badly, this is really a bad year for me.
):

p/s: IM CRAVING FOR TIRAMISU, AGAIN!

2009-05-11T02:26:00.004+08:00

Im annoyed by the "dung dung cheng" under my block.
They start as early as 10am and end as late as 11pm.
I think they're having attachment uh, office hours.
But seriously, my ear drums are gonna explode soon.
I always have the urge to just throw a couple off eggs down.
But then again, i don't wanna start a racial riot.
(:

Been studying, yes, REALLY studying.
Yesterday revised Chemistry for almost 4hours.
And thats only on Mole,Energy Changes and Redox.
I've yet to study Metals, Atoms, etc.
Not forgetting Physics, which is a goner.
Ahh, at least Science is manageable than Maths!
Hee.

Anyway, i got this totally nonsensical wish.
I've always wanted a brother, biological brother.
Having an elder sis is great and my sis is the greatest.
But i've always wanted to have the feeling of having a brother.
Used to have a long lost brother, saiful nur mirza.
But it was on my foster family's side, so it didn't mean much.
Hung out with him a few times, and he was way older than me.
I was only 12 or 13 and he was already 18 or 19.
The age gap was way too far apart, but he was fun.
But i got to meet him only for a few times,
since it was from foster dad's previous marriage.
But im contented with what i have now,
An irritating yet lovable lil sis,
And a demanding yet wonderful elder sis.
I love them both to the core although we often have issues.
Maybe one day i'll find out that i have a long lost bro.
As if im living in a drama, miracles do not exist eh suzie!
HAHA!
(:

Oh and i dreamt of you in two days straight.
And now, everything flashes back in my head.
I want it to go away, the flashbacks are hurting.
Best friends of the opposite sex can never last.
And now, i paid a huge price for not believing in it.
Ahh, okay im starting to talk crap.

p/s: private updates will be in xanga.
i wanna get some sleep now.
*yawn*

2009-05-02T20:09:00.003+08:00

Im gonna be M.I.A for a short while.
Gonna start preparing for exams and stuffs.
So, im just gonna have a quick update for now.

Orals are over and done with.
Both EL & MT oral was fine, im confident of it.
But i screwed up EL Paper 1 badly.
So i can't get the distinction im aiming for.
):

But in a more serious note,
I don't know a thing about CH, Maths & Physics.
Serious, im gonna screw up those papers badly.
That's for sure, ahhhh, im dead.

And the temptation to take it again, i can't control.
I try to resist, but i simply end up thinking of it.
But obviously i won't do it again coz i've made a promise.
To who? To that fariz fariqzal.
Tsk.

And im cranky nowadays.
Coz of the stupid ulcer on my tongue.
Alot of good food piling up at home,
But i just can't stand the pain of eating it.
Applied salt on the ulcer, and it stings badly.
I kept on jumping and shrieking due to the pain.
IDIOT!

Last but not least,
Im shutting out unnecessary people out of my life.
I have enough of drama for the past few days.
And im glad that its the end, the drama is all over.
Hatred and vengeance really could change a person.
Fyi, im through being the naive one, being tricked again.
Somehow i should changed to be more cold-hearted.
Being soft-hearted and too trustful sucks big time.
(:

p/s: in life, you'll meet alot of different people,
you'll make mistake, you'll make wrong decisions,
but if you go through it all and pick yourself up,
you'll end up being an even stronger person that before.

2009-04-24T22:35:00.002+08:00

Its very confusing, when everyone starts confessing.
I hate being the third party, i truly hate it.
I hate people saying that im taking advantage of others.
I hate people saying that im toying with others heart.
Its not what im intending to do, can't you see?
I guess im too over friendly, i have no idea.
But by putting me in a bad spot, i don't think its fair.
On the other hand, life is never fair.
An ordeal i have to go through, and i will.
(:

And talking bout studies, i've yet to study physics.
Seriously since Mr Ng starts teaching Physics,
No one is class gets what his trying to say.
His lessons are so called "free periods".
He would either talk crap or flare up suddenly.
Physics is a goner, it will definitely bring down my Science grade.
Geography is another goner, i don't understand a thing.
Notes are everywhere, some even missing.
Don't get me started on Maths, im a No1 hater of Maths.
The other subjects are manageable, im catching up quite well.
I wanna quickly get Olevels over and done with.
Oh wait! My F&N Olevel practical exam is next monday.
Guess what? Im not prepared at all.
I don't even know if the dishes is gonna turn out right.
Im screwed, someone help me pls.
):

I've been analyzing myself.
I've spend too much time on unnecessary stuffs.
I should really focus on Olevels and upcoming MYE.
But the problem is, i would get easily distracted.
I seriously wanna make my family proud and go to poly.
But it ain't as easy as it sounds.
I don't even have a goal in life.
As in, a career job in mind.
Pathetic much.

p/s:
how could you be so heartless.

2009-04-19T19:26:00.004+08:00

Wish that i could move on, can't let go its too strong,
Just like that and then you're gone, is this how you wanted it to be,
Everything you had to say, sent the tears right down my face,
Now i'm trying to escape the misery.

Let's have a quick update.
Weekends was a total boredom.
Yesterday was stepsis bday, cut cake, etc.
Saturday i overslept thus, didn't attend chem remedial!
I was really looking forward for that remedial.
Tsk.
):

And today stayed home the whole day.
Was suppose to go out, but the weather was very hot.
I felt so restless and very uncomfortable at home.
The weather is so humid, hot and there's no wind.
*roll eyes*

And there's school tomorrow.
Need to wake up early, etc.
I feel so lethargic to go to school.
Speaking of school, i've yet to do my my revisions.
Oh and F&N planning/R&D, im so dead meat.
R.I.P suzie, you're gonna be screwed tomorrow.
Ahhhhh!

Someone's going off to camp next friday.
Happy surviving the two years of torture.
Hahaha, and the new army uniform is so hideous.
Im gonna laugh out loud seeing you in it.
And i'll see ya when i see ya.
(:

Im so angry at myself for being so persistent.
Yes, i think that's the word to describe it.
But being persistent in this kinda situation,
Its so wrong, and so dumb of me.

A: she changed me, i've changed totally for her.
S: i can see the change in you, i miss the old you.
A: i really love her, she's the only girl i've been 101% faithful with.
S: yes, no girl can seperate us, but she did, surprisingly.
A: *sad face* why must she do this to me.
S: *looks away with an aching heart*

Such a short convo, only a few sentence.
But it could hurt a person so badly.
Such a short convo, but i kept on thinking of it.
Tried so hard to comfort and cheer you up.
But you went crawling back to her the next day.
I saw it coming, no one to blame but myself.
False hope, yet again, nothings new.

p/s: MYE, not prepared.

2009-04-14T17:26:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was a contented day for me.
Alim suddenly text me out of the blue and wanted to meet me.
It was already 11.30pm but i still drag
myself to meet him under my void deck.
Mum nagged and scolded me coz it was already late at night.
But i just ignored her and headed out the door.
All i wanted was too meet him after so long.
Met him, and he was in a very stressful state.
My heart really goes out to him, my heart ached.
Even though i know he is in that state coz of her.
I went on hearing bout him&her,
but i was very sure that she will come back.
And sure enough,
he met her up after the meet-up with me.
I just have to wake up and accept
the fact that his gonna be gone for good.
He is so into her, she changed his whole life,
and i need to MOVE ON.
Thanks for the short meet up yesterday night,
at least i got to see you.
You kissed me on the forehead and said "i miss you",
Trust me, you don't know how much i miss you more than you do.
Tears flowed down like waterfall when the bus you boarded drove away.
I've awaken from my dream, you're no longer the alim i know.
Im moving on, the past was great but im letting it go.
(:

Oh and i received a surprising msg from A.rahman.
Texting me just to buy calculator from school.
So, met him up after school and pass him the calculator.
See, it was a great two days straight
of meeting two most beloved ex of mine.
Okay, crap sia.
HAHA!

Oh and tomorrow is Darling HK birthday!
Sexy Seventeen Ho Hwee Kwan!
Be happy always & i love you darling.
Had a lot of fun during your BBQ last saturday.
Hee.

Oh and i miss that idiotic assclown.
I mean, fariz fariqzal mansuri lah.
And he said i got a "monkey face" on webcam.
Hahaha, i had fun just chatting with that bro of mine.

And 2.4 on thursday!!
WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
):

p/s: MYE around the corner,
i've yet to touch my books.

2009-04-08T20:29:00.002+08:00

Im sorry.
I've been a very bad girl.
From good to bad, from bad to worst.
I've let alot of people down.
Especially loved ones.
I don't know what has come up to me.
I guess i've lost my sense of direction.

I've lost my interest in studies.
Its been two days since i went to school.
My body's not functioning well, god help me.
I made people around me worry, im sorry.

On the other hand,
I feel so ashamed of myself.
I feel so disgusted by myself.
It been fucking months suzie,
why can't you move on?
I didn't realize that i called him crying.
I wasn't myself, i don't know what i was doing.
I lost all my pride by doing so,
He moved on, why can't i?
Coz his my first love, my best friend.
I feel so lost without him, im all messed up.

Why did i stooped this low?
Im a piece of junk yet to be thrown.
My life is ruined just because of the things i did/take.
Im sorry sl, for making you angry.
Im sorry sl, for disappointing you.
Im sorry friends for changing from good to worst.
Im sorry but i can never turn back time.
Im sorry coz you'll never get the old suzie back.

p/s: whatever.